A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin,





"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?" :eek!:

Not one hand went up ...:'D

So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men thinko:D

Never Ending Tale !
 

If, like me, you’re really stupid, you will see the world through metaphors derived solely from dumb TV shows of the Sixties and Seventies.
Because, you see, life is like Runaround - the ITV kids game show hosted by a pre-Eastenders Mike Read.
After the loveable cockney asked a question, the hordes of kids would have to “runaround” three sections of the game-board.
Two would be right and one would be wrong, and you got a yellow ball if you stood in the right area. Much jostling would ensue as the kids chose safety in numbers, assuming that the more people who stood in an area the better the chance of them collectively having the right answer. And normally this worked.
But there was always one kid who would dart between the three sections, following and then abandoning the flow, making complex but futile judgements about his probability of success as the blinding lights flashed and the sirens hooted. At the moment of revelation, this one kid would invariably be occupying a section all on his own.
As the answer was revealed he would desperately try to jump next door but would soon be spotted by the cybernetically enhanced eyes of Mr Read. Mike Read would whisk you away with a clip on the ear (this was 1975) and declare to the laughing masses “What a wally!”
Some of us have been standing in that wrong segment for most of our adult lives, sometimes trying to jump into adjacent squares but then changing our minds and sticking to our so-called principles. While all the time a voice of gruff fatherly authority shouts beerily down our lugholes with a Readian equal emphasis on each syllable - “What A Wa Lee!”
You could try and jump next door with all the other kids, but if you’re stupid like me you’ll stay in your lonely segment, hoping that, despite the overwhelming evidence, you’ve made the right decision.
You just had to be different, didn’t you?
Welcome home my friends, to the tale that never ends -
welcome to My Stupid Life.

She had to go !!
 

Why I fired my Secretary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner." o:D



After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked !!!!!!..............:cool:

One for the Pub
 

One night,

as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.:-C







A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. and says,













'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?':eat: :'D

Phone rings !!
 

"Hey Benny, it's Shane yer man here" !!!!
"Sight" , "Oh hello Shane hows things with you"
"Well you know what a good church going soul that i am, i got to tell about the congregation and the talk of the Vicar's Salary"
"What" I said !!! "The Vicar's Salary" :h?:

Shane goes on, "At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more"
.
"There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popula|" .

"Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims":
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. :clap:

"Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause. :clap:

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' !!!!!

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' :h?:
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: o:D


'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F u c k him' !!



......I dropped the phone !!:'D

The Hit Man
 

"Hi Benny, Shane here" !! "Got to tell ya this, about these two guys playing golf " !

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part of the way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window."... "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha,
I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her...... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars each time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, but shoot his dick
off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man lifted the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,

"I think I can save you a grand here....." :eek!:

Beware of falling asleep !!
 

Dave the hen
~~~~~~~~~
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
Drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
Already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
Found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
You?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got
To send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
House, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
Around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
Welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
Inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
Laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
Out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
And his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
For the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
And he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
Ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
Felt an enormous smack on the back of his head :eek!:
and heard his wife Shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard',











'You've shit the bed !!' :eek!:

;):flowers::storm::smoke::news:3:-):hi::flyaway::king::loveme:

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in..

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen!"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!"proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!"exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"