An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the cinema.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then he asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...


.....wait for it ..................


. "The balcony....!! " |<| .... o:D

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey, Fred! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and Brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
"Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. |8.|

The cabby turns around and says,
"Geez, Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.";)



Fred's funeral will be on Saturday. o:D

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
>>>
>>>
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
.. Den I come.
.. Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! ...
 Two asses, they come together again.


I come again and pee twice. 

Then I come one lasta time.'
 o:D

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
 3:-)



$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!
>>> :flyaway:

Alaska Retirement :news:

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" B (:

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....
I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Stan

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter.


Just gonna be the two of us.................... |8.| .................. o:D

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' o:D


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied,
'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died. :eek!:

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,


'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. ... :'D

Sitting at the Red Light
 

The Red Light

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.



A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.



Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. |8.|



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Bloody hell! That could have been me!" :eek!:











So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job - as a bus driver. o:D

Last Will
 

Final Will ..

I was sitting at the computer just now & called out to the Mr's,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, DEAR!" o:D




SHE SHOUTED BACK







"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD” :eek!:

There's a guy who lives in Ohio.
One morning, he hears a voice in his head.
The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." :eek!:

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."
He goes to The Horseshoe.
The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt .. As Ad.... The voice says, "Go all in."o:D

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is ... Jh 10h 9h.


The voice says, " Oh Shit." :'D

The best dog the "Mark Wallis Syndicate" owned .2013/2014 ..Sadly a broken wrist stopped him from showing his full potential .
The break was mended and now, happily looking to be homed ..
In this race he comes from last to first, with blistering pace down the back straight to challenge the leader off the last bend.. http://youtu.be/dnPcPaafSRQ ..:'D

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,
'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.' :eek!:

'Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' o:D

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,

'I hope not ; it's only 2130 now ;)

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. o:D

His father said to him,
'Son, we would get you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' :-C


The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So the father asked,
'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him,
'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard Mum tell you to wait because she was coming too. :eek!:

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no fu'cking bike |8.|



8-P

One for you old boys ..you'll remember 'the good old days' o:D

Lost in the Fifties- Another Time, Another Place






www.youtube.com/embed/jjj9VKKSV2g ... :clap:

I phoned up BT today to complain that my phone wasn't working correctly.
The young Indian girl on the end of the line says, "I'm sorry sir, can you repeat that?" in a difficult to understand voice.
So I say, "my phone isn't working correctly."
She again says, "could you repeat that again, sir? I can't make out what you said."
I'm getting a bit pissed off now, 'cause I can't really understand her, and shout, "my phone isn't working correctly!"
I think she says, in a very Indian accent, "I'm sorry, I still can't make out what your saying."
I've had enough, so I say, "STICK THE PHONE UP YOUR ARSE!" and I slam the phone down.
The next day there's a knock on my door. When I open it, a BT Engineer is standing there .
The Engineer says, "are you the man who told the call centre worker to stick the phone up her arse yesterday?"
I reply, "yes that's me."
The Engineer says, "well, if you don't get on the phone and apologise, we are going to take your phone out."
So I pick up and I phone the call centre, get through to the Indian girl and say, "are you the person who I told to stick the phone up your arse yesterday?"
She says, "yes, that's me."

And I say, "well, they'll be bringing it round in a bit." :eek!: .... 8-P

Flawless MALE LOGIC. :brains:

Critical Thinking At Its Best! o:D


Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari then? ....... ;)

HUSBAND'S MESSAGE (via cellphone)

Honey, a car hit me whilst crossing the road outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
The Doctors have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but, fortunately, it seems that
it did not cause any permanent brain damage.
But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and
they may have to amputate my right foot. :eek!:



WIFE'S RESPONSE:


Who's Paula? ..... ??

The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?


HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HMtQ: No. I don’t think so.

AS: OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest we call it a Country? o:D

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said,
"If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."o:D

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said,
"Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said,
“Yesterday.";)

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said,
"Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile,
"Do you really think so." o:D
I said
"Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " :D



__________________________________________________ ____

o:Do:D

:clap:

Made me laugh those....o:D

Fluctuations .. 'Oh my days' o:D .Today's word is ..................Fluctuations

(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...

She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" :eek!: ..:D


You know you're laughing ....

BREAKING NEWS:

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.


o:Do:D

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said,
"Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked,
"Where's Belle?" :eek!:

The little girl said,
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." ... o:D

My mates wife has just fucked off and left him, took the Satellite Dish and all the Bob Marley Cds, poor sod.


































No women, No sky


I'll get my coat...3:-)

I walked into the porn shop this morning and said,
"Three of your filthiest porn DVD's please my good man." :smoke:

He said,
"Have you got anything in mind?" |<|

I said,

"Yes, I'm going to have a wank." :-O

Love story
 

Robert, 85 years old, married Jane, a lovely 25 year old.:news:

Now since her new husband is so .. "Dam Old" !!
Jane decides that after their wedding, she and Robert should have
separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her (NEW), but aged
husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities, Jane prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes.
The door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for
action.
"They unite as one"!!
All goes well, Robert takes leave of his NEW Bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jane hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Robert !! Again he is ready for more "ACTION"!!!

Somewhat surprised, Jane consents for more coupling.
When the newly
weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and
leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, "but then, Aha"!!!
You guessed it, Robert is back again.
Rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old Man, ready for more "ACTION"!!

And, once more they enjoy each other.
However as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him.
"I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age, you can perform so well and so often?
I have been with guys less than a third (1/3) of your age who were
only good once.
"You are truly a great lover, Robert"!!

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jane and says:
"You mean I was here already"??? |<|

~ The moral of this story, ~

Don't be afraid of getting old ... Alzheimer's has its advantages !! :king:


PS. Have I sent this to you already ??? 3:-)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'


'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?


'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact,there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch. 3:-)

Great wedding last week .. I made the wedding photos . https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713 .. :king:

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."


WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence

HUSBAND: "Shit." |8.|

Divorce custody
 

THE LEGAL SYSTEM

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the
custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:


"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?".. :D



DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!! o:D

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" :brains:


"Well, I could drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,,, but on Fridays, I go fishing." :hippy:



.... 8-P

Get the correct insurance! ?

SEX INSURANCE

Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc,
you can now get insurance for sex !!


So make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare

Sex with a person of generous proportions - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

And finally

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com ... :D

Make sure you are adequately covered o:D

footy link
 

Sukan Star TV ... By : Sukan Star .com @ sukanstar.com

sorry link not working

A letter to God
 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.



The letter read:


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner, and without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. ;)


I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. :-O


Sincerely, Edna

Old but still a good laugh....


One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Ronnie driving a brand new pickup.

Ronnie pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Ronnie, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Ronnie replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.


We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of no where.

Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

"She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said


'Ronnie, take whatever you want.' !! 8-P


So I took the truck!" o:D

"Ronnie, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you anyways ". :-O

One for the boys ...
 

Ever wondered what an Arsenal fan looks like with their kit off ?? http://youtu.be/5oIFRsJva0I .. o:D

Ok one more
 

The stars and their teams .. http://youtu.be/wamXxorpZ3c :-O

The guys were on a golf tour. No one wanted to room with KEV, because he snored so badly. They decided
it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with KEV and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "KEV snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that KEV shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."
The third night was STEVE'S turn. He was a tanned, older golfer, a man's man...
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy- tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Kev into bed, patted him on the bum, and kissed him good night on the lips.:eek!:


Kev sat up and watched me all night." o:D

Where did "piss poor" come from? o:)







If you're young and hip, this is still interesting.







NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION







Us older people need to learn something new every day...




Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.




Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting Story.




They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.




And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...




If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".







But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...




They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.







The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature




Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.







Here are some facts about the 1500's




Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,




And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,




Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.




Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.







Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.




The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,




Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.




Last of all the babies.




By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.




Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"







Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.




It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.




When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.




Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."







There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.




This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings Could mess up your nice clean bed.




Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.




That's how canopy beds came into existence.







The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.




Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..




As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.




Hence: a threshold.







(Getting quite an education, aren't you?) 8-P







In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.




Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.




Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.




Hence the rhyme:




"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."







Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.




When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.




It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."




They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.







Those with money had plates made of pewter.




Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.




This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.







Bread was divided according to status..




Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,




And guests got the top, or the upper crust.







Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.




The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..




Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.




They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.




Hence the custom; "holding a wake."







England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.




So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.




When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.




Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."







And that's the truth.







Now, whoever said history was boring!!!




So get out there and educate someone!




Share these facts with a friend.




Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,




"What the heck happened?"




We'll be friends until we are old and senile.




Then we'll be new friends.




Smile, it gives your face something to do!

A man brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30,
after golf.

On arrival, his wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed listening to the tirade...


"My bloody hair and make up are not done !
The house is a fu'king mess, and the dishes aren't done. :eek!:

Can't you see I'm still in my fu'king pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight!

Why the f'ck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"


"Because he was thinking of getting married." 3:-)

Warning!!! Scam alert!!!
 

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!

Be on the lookout for this girl and her friend. (below)

They are hanging out around the big 24 hr Tescos car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds.
They are very convincing and very hot!
Once in your car this one takes off the clothes and starts climbing all over you, while she keeps you busy the other one takes your wallet!

I had mine taken on the 7th, 8th, 10th, twice yesterday and probably again tomorrow. :D


Tescos sells wallets for £2.99 but I found some at the Poundland for only £1 so I bought all they had.
These two harlots not only take your wallet but you never even make it to McDonalds-- so I've already lost 10 kgs!

Keep a lookout for them (I find that lunch time and around 5:30pm are best). ;)

Be safe everyone, Merry Christmas!