I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it! ;)



Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only. :-O



David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English. :clap:



Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’. :D


An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him (o)<

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it
to her along with a £10 tip.

"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch.....

It's an Audi". :eek!: ..... :D :D

I think Tony knows a few of these o:D

Wanted,

A skilful schooling jockey who can stop
over ahead of work mornings to ride
one a few times, guaranteed juicy back
bacon after. Gallop in construction, left-
hander on completion of job, big plans.
But please refer only to lines 1, 3 and 5.

A Glasgow couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, " £100.”

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What can he get for thirty?? "A hand job," the husband replied.

She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to the husband.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70 . . o:D

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.
Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. '

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. '
What's up, love?' he asks.
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness..... :D

A dad posted an hilariously honest eBay advert selling his teenage son's car which describes it as a 'dustbin' with seats that don't work because of all the girls getting in and out.

Nigel Stewart-Stone, 50, was so fed up with 19-year-old Dalton's careless attitude to the car he titled the eBay listing: "Who would buy it?"

He apologises for the state of the black Renault Clio and says it is full of litter and has dents in it where his son climbed onto it to try and get in the house.

The full advert reads:

"This car belonged to my 19 year old son, who now has a new car, I can only apologise for the state of it, clearly he will treat his new one the same.

"OK , the passenger side has a large dent on it , where my son tried to climb the corner of my house, I did tell him that if he is going to insist on going back and forth on the wall the dent will get bigger !!! and the drive way is only 10 feet wide after all.

"The clutch is now slipping, again he did not know this, as loud music is the preferred thing, and could not hear it slipping, just wondered why it took him longer to get up a hill!!! still there is enough clutch left to get you home, I think?

"Surprisingly the electric windows still work well, considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore, still makes it hard for them to escape his deafening music.

"There may or may not be any oil and water in the car, despite me repeatedly telling him to make sure it was maintained, I believe he thought this meant sitting in it on the driveway listening to his music whilst having a smoke, he would have washed it occasionally, but said 'not really worth it now is it dad', as its got a big dent on it!!! and anyway, surely I would know if it needed oil, the red light would come on!!, still he does have a brand new set of mats in the boot, bought when he first had the car.

"There may be the odd ripple in the front of the bonnet, but according to my son that was there when it was bought for him, and nothing to do with sitting and chilling on it, may be it was a better place to sit than the passenger seat!

"It does have the other alloy wheel in the boot, with a puncture, but if he gets another puncture he will use one of the other three on the car.

"The drivers seat has a hole in it, this was done killing time, whilst stuck on the side of the house performing modifications to the side of the car.

"The rear of the car is in fact a large dustbin for discarded fruit, and McDonald's, not for carrying passengers, but still he says he's loving it!!!

"Anyway if you think this car may be suitable for your son, please go ahead and buy it, its after all in the perfect state for any teenage lad, and will save them all the time and effort that my son has put in to it, getting it this way.

"It's now down to me to dispose of this wonderful car I bought him many years ago, now he has a new one, he thinks that you just leave it parked on the side of the road until someone comes and takes it.

"Its not how he has treated the car since he has owned it that worrys me, its the fact that he now has a new 14 plate car, which incidentally will be coming up for sale in a similar state in some years to come, although he informs me he will look after this one because it has 'no dents', and is clean and shinny, and doesn't need washing, to my surprise he went and bought a new set of matts for it, 'there in the boot', is this history repeating itself?

"When I told my son I was selling it, because he now had a new car, he said 'well who gets the money?' I said me of course, but it won't be much as the car has had it, to which he then replied, 'that's not fair, it's a good car, nothing wrong with it," and that he should get the cash.

"I offer absolutely no warranty with this car, and many thanks for looking.

"Nigel, a devoted father with much patience."

GOLFERS STORY ;)

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,
"Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you." o:D

A man received the following text from his neighbour;




I’m so sorry Bob, I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess – I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact,

I have probably been getting more than you, I do not get it at home but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my

sincerest apology along with the promise that it won’t happen again.




The man, anguished and feeling betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife dead.




A few minutes later a second text came in;:news:




Bloody Hell! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your Wifi ..:eek!:

To avoid any potentially embarrassing questions about getting your anus bleached, :eek!:

Just tell people that you're changing your ringtone. :smoke: .. :D

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES .. :news:

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!! .... |8.|:loveme:

https://fbcdn-video-o-a.akamaihd.net...eef5c5774454d5

With friends like these :king:

http://m.liveleak.com/view?i=8c4_1423395303&comments=1

Either very brave or an idiot

Research shows that more money is being spent on boob jobs and Viagra than helping to cure Alzheimer's. :news:

Which means that by 2040 the elderly will have perky boobs and stiff willies but no idea why! 3:-)

I was thinking ffs at all this 50 Shades of Grey shite, but after a bit of persuasion, I'm off to see it tomorrow. ;)

Should be a laugh if nothing else, but I can't deny I'm a bit worried about launching a raging hard-on at the cinema. |<|



Still, spending some quality time with Gran is the main thing. .. :D ..:flyaway:

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . :news:


Ron replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." :smoke:


The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



Ron replied,

"That would be my wife." |8)|

A man walks into a shop to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.,
"How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

She said,
"Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95 and Divorced Barbie for £100. "

The guy asks,
"Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?. :smoke:

The assistant replied.........

........."Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " :'D

The old ones are the best
 

'Baby Talk' ...

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher Insisted on NO baby talk!

'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'....
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Jenny what she had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said.

'No,No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied. :king:

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'


( I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,


'Winnie the SHIT' 3:-)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left h er glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.


To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,


While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card. 3:-)


This coming week is
National Senior Mental Health Week.

You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care .....

I have now done MY part.

The Ultimate Sneeze


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. :eek!:


The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again..
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." :D



The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" |8.|



The woman nodded, and replied,

" Yes,.... Pepper." :-O

The Husband Store
 

The Husband Store |:D|

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads.

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store 3:-)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. o:D

A husband who has been off work for over a month with a bad back and is stretched out on the settee, legs and feet spread out watching the TV and reading his paper .

His wife is busy running around doing the house work when she trips over his out stretched legs !!
'Oh for goodness sake' she cried, 'get yourself out from under my feet and get down to the doctors about your back pain, or go back to work' !!

'Ok , Ok , Ok' he replies, and off he goes down to the doctors.

Down at the surgery the doctor asks him a few question about the back pain, then askes him to take off his trousers and bend over as far as he can

The man looks at the doctor but carries on and does as he was asked.
The doctor askes, 'do you feel any pain in your back as you bend'?
But before the man can reply the doctor bursts out laughing as he's looking at the mans back end

The man quickly stands up and says,
'Hey, what's so funny, I didn't come here to be laughed at ??'

'I'm sorry' says the doctor still laughing, hahaha, but I've never seen such brown balls in all my life !!'

The man says,
'Doctor, I came here for something for my back pain, not for your to kill yourself laughing at my testicles'

'Yes', said the doctor, 'I'm sorry but you do have very brown balls, i'll give you a prescription for some back pain tablets and a note for another week off work' ..

Back home and the man goes back onto the settee where his wife askes,
'How did you get on ?? '
'The doctor gave me some pills for my back pain and a sick note for another week off work', he replied .

The wife looked at him and replied,
'Oh for goodness sake, I can't have you under my feet another week, I run around here doing all the washing, ironing and cooking, get the kids washed and bathed ready for school, feed the dog and no help from you, and you'll still expect sex every other night' , 'God I don't have time to wipe my arse these days' !!

'Oh yes ' said the husband, 'And the 'Doc' said that's another thing I need to talk to you about' 3:-)

Ethel
 

WHY ETHEL HAD TO CHANGE HER HOTEL

Last week, Ethel checked in to a hotel on her 70th birthday and she was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony |8.|…
a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photograph.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in,
Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to cometo my motel room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night… tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?"

He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic,... ;)

"But you need to press 9 for an outside line." o:D

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"


The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." :eek!:

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."



The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!" :'D

After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said,

“You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had” ;)



Apparently,

... “Ditto” .. is not the right response!!. :eek!: ...... o:D

Snotty Doctors Receptionist…

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS. :'D

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!! :D

Without a doubt, you know the story about Eric Garner and the New York police who put him in a choke-hold that resulted in his saying, repeatedly,
"I can't breathe...I can't breathe."

Well, I just now learned of another, similar incident that occurred recently. As far as I know, it did NOT result in death, but there are enough similarities that

I thought you'd be interested. :'D

What a way to go

Subject: As I get older...........


(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. ;)


(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.


(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.


(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


(7) I'm older and wiser now, and I'm just looking for a girl with big tits . :'D


YES, GETTING OLDER :t:

This new car looks good to me > https://youtu.be/vUKolh8Q9hA.. :'D

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods
 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and
says, "How’s the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How’s the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I
think I’ve got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I’ve been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you can’t see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards
his voice."

Tiger asks, "What’s your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I’m a scratch golfer."

Tiger Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We'’ve got to play a round sometime."

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Tiger Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I’m game for that, - when would you
like to play?"


Stevie says, "Pick a night...." ... |:D|

Sound familiar? AAADD

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water a few shrubs.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,


Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back


On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the garbage anyway,


I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

So I go inside the house to my desk where


I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,


But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,


But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,


But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,


Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,




I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,


And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,


And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor. o:)




Forward this message to everyone you know,

Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! :smoke:







P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry :king: :hippy:

Billy Connolly on Facebook
 

Billy Connolly on Facebook :-O

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fuc'king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.


And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

fu'ck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.... I don't fuc'king care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know... Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day. ;)

Billy Connolly

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs.
Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.


Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!" .. o:D

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned"

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

hahaha :D Nice one PT ..It took me a couple of seconds for the penny to drop , but love it :-O

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"
where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." :loveme:

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,

"Those aren't bags, those are your tits." |8(|


She said,

"No point asking about the beard then..........." :gh:

Classic Bob Hope
 

If you enjoyed Bob Hope, you will love this one.

So here's a history lesson for today.

Alan Alda first saw Bob Hope in WWII. Until the day he died his Dad never ever missed a Bob Hope special.
Alan remembered him laughing and crying at every show but he never understood why. Now he knows.

We have a little travel back in time.

Warning.... This might make your eyes wet!
Those were the days…..jokes were funny, not disgusting.......and the girls were dressed to make them look pretty, not vulgar.

This is some priceless footage..... It makes me thankful that I am old enough to have lived in the time of Bob Hope.

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/02/bob-hope-christmas/ .. 8-P

:clap::clap:

Ahhhh , Ze French o:D

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.


At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.

What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle. |:D|


A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word is, "appiness!'" |8.| ... 3:-)

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment, then says,





'Where's my toast?' . 3:-) .:D