Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" :h?:

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two @rseholes."
"What? He had two @rseholes?" said the mortician. :eek!:

"Yup, everyone knew he had two @rseholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two @rseholes'. .. 3:-)

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
Well after two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. :h?:

.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

She asked,
'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much drink these days and I hardly smoke' I replied
. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked,
'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
I said,
'Not much, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, surfing, hiking, or cycling?
' 'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked,
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,

'Then, why the fuc'k do you want to live to be 90? 3:-)

Two guys (Bill & Fred) were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. :cool: :cool:

Bill said,

'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you ?

Fred replied,

'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name ?' o:D
___________________________________________




Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! - What is a golf gun?' :h?:

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' :-O
_____________________________________

When asked what was the real reason he resigned,Dick Advocaat said.

At the start of the season someone threw a glass of lemonade over me and

it has snowballed from there :loveme:

A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said,
"Can you please help me, i don't know what hole i'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me, i'm on 7; and you are on 6".

He thanked her and carried on playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again
"I'm sorry to bother you but i'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole i'm on.
She told him "You are one hole behind me, i'm on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I''m in sales".
He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?".

She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised. She said "I sell tampons".

The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.3:-)

She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but i couldn't fu'ckin help it.

" I sell toilet paper,
I'm still one hole behind you" :D

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.

Just before he was put under for an operation, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God No!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side effects."

"Well just one problem," said the golfer,

"every time I get an erection I also get a headache!" :-O

Went to the supermarket today to get some quick cook rice...

the only one they had was..
































https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...32&oe=568DFD64

While i was there i picked up some Jamie Oliver sausages...

Think they were a bit harsh about poor Jamie...








https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...7c&oe=56C9C717

See how long it takes you to get this ....:t:


https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.n...56953c4786b763

Daughter to Dad: TEXTING Communication in Today's Generation :king:

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favourite daughter,

Lilly

Dads reply ....also by texting

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.



And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. :D .. 3:-)

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.

And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' :eek!: said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun.

'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years! 3:-)

:t: .. At Last A Written Breathalyser Test .. :flyaway:

Good job I wasn't asked to do one last night. I don't even think I would've managed the x |8.|

Hahaha 3:-) ..Tony says you're lightweight :hippy:

Would'nt like to drink with a heavyweight then :eek!:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? ‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’

You must've put the post code in 8-P

One for Part Timer..........3:-)


I came home from the pub really drunk last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?" "Of course I can," I replied, standing back up. "Just let me get my coat."


B (:

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"



Little Larry says:

"I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card,and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." :king:



The teacher, shocked :eek!: and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.



"And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be Larry’s whore." ... :gh:

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?"

Or.... 'are we ready for a bath?'
Or... "are we hungry?"

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
'My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today' ? |8(|

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,

"Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!" |:D|

The nurse fainted... ... And I just smiled! 3:-)

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE... you'll lose every time! :flyaway:

That's a bit old Tony but true ...Oh and the manager got the sack for it 3:-)

Haha yes i just saw that its 2014.........:egghead:

Part Timer played this to me last night ...

If you havnt heard it then its well worth a listen....o:D



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMJhOSdxQVg

hahaha ... classic .. had me in stitches :D :D :D

The funniest streaker ever...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsY0c1LrTdw

One for Tony

Shush PT ... I don't think he's very happy at the moment and i'm sure he's dreading this Saturday with your lot visting 3:-)

Still the word is, Big Sam's in town and Chelsea want him to save them 3:-)

o:Do:D

Just think ...we are 100/1 to be relegated and are one point off the bottom three...


We are only 3/1 to finish above Leicester who are 20 points above us and top ....:h?:


These bookies know .........:t:

He's Back
 

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK: ... :hi:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, :hi: but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. |<|

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.


Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried ... 3:-)


.

And where are Chelski fans going 2016 / 17