On a flight with Sothwest Airlines
 

The little boy had been looking out of the window. o:)

He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. :eat:

Have your mother explain that to you." ;)

A British friend of mine once found himself at a dinner party sitting next to an attractive American woman. The conversation turned to cricket, and the woman asked my friend to explain the game.

He agreed and embarked on a lengthy explanation of the mysteries of "silly mid-on," "fine-leg," "googly," "chinaman" and the like.

At the end he sat back, exhausted.
The woman looked at him, shaking her head in wonderment,

"That really is remarkable. And to think they do it all on horseback. :'D


Cheers
Allan Hill ;)

[QUOTE=Tony2005;25123][SIZE="2"]Benny has asked me to post this video......o:Do:D
https://youtu.be/Nxe4WWGnPuc

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,

like: I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache."

"I'm your sister-in-law." :'D



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A woman in labour is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. :C

He says,
"Hey, don't blame me |<| I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O,

You said that might hurt!" |<| - :-O

Oh had to laugh - In the supermaket today coming up to the checkout .

In front was was a very fat woman with a huge arse,

suddenly her phone began to 'beep - beep' :eek!:

A little boy standing behind her with his mum says,

'F'uck me - Look Out - She's Reversing !!!! :'D3:-):clap:



The mother says, Shoooosh o:D

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"o:D

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, :-C


"And all these years, I've been chewing gum." :'D

Oldie but still funny
 

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at a recently married couple’s house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? You’re naked!”

“Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home, she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

“What are you doing?” he asked. :eek!:

“This is my love dress,” she replied.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?” 3:-)

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. :eek!:

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

‘Well, that's great...that's just great... ... some asshole's got my pen! 3:-)

Before Reading - Click On the Picture Below :news:

The School of Psychology, University of Pennsylvania conducted a survey called “What really do you see?”
People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.
Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass………
Study the picture for 5 seconds. What did you notice?


Here are the Results of the Survey:


1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman’s large bosom.
2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

The real answer (see below):


There’s a mouse on the doughnut in the upper left of the box…….

Now don’t tell me you saw it. I won’t believe you. :king:

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...



A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very

elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...



A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the

service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following

the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart

then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.



At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. 3:-)

When all eyes stared at him, he said,

'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!' :cool:



The priest fainted! |8.|

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy". :loveme:

Greyhounds
 

If you think Greyhounds and Lurchers are Funny :king:

Then, "I predict a Riot" :D https://youtu.be/rXpjX4l0hRg - Love it :eat:

Results of a women's survey on size. :-O


Women's response:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.

6 inches - perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.




This survey was actually a Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of: Subway Sandwiches!


But I love the way you thinking! ;)

This is why I worry about you! :king:

In hospital, a bloke had made several attempts to get into the men's toilet, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

So he used the bog, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his arse.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men lavvys don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his cheeks.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..

The ladies toilet was more than a lavvy, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened pet?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse said "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your cock is under your pillow."

hahaha - classic PT :clap:

I keep getting messages on Facebook, always telling me to have a shave, cut my hair and brush my teeth. I think I will report them to the Police as I think they're trying to groom me

3:-)

WHY ETHEL HAD TO CHANGE HER HOTEL o:D

Last week, Ethel checked in to a hotel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony… a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photograph.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to cometo my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night… tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?"|:P|

He said...

"That sounds absolutely fantastic,...but you need to press 9 for an outside line." 3:-)

Dry Cleaners
 

At the dry cleaners today and this is what happened :loveme: :clap:
:

File not working now sorry

Nothing happens for me

Oh Nooo it's not working now sorry

Billy Connolly
 

Here's a classic, from way back when; still has me laughing after all this time ..

Billy Connolly - Football Violence 3:-) . https://youtu.be/-JjVg0Sbsh4 . :loveme:

Corporate Managment
 

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob, the most junior member was left sitting outside. |<|

Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,

“Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?” |8.|

“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

"You’d swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere!"


"Good,, then you fire her!" ;) .. o:D

-

Flight checks
 

Worth the read, quite funny

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour: o:D

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. :'D

-

A father texts his son:


"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. o:D

My best love and good wishes.

Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:


"I know." 3:-)

New Drug ..

A new drug has been developed for Lesbians with depression :flowers:




It's called >>> 'Trycoxsagain' .. |:$| . o:D

The Flagpole
 

The Flagpole

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches"
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed.
"Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the height and she gives us the length!" :-O

Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.:hippy:

Little Susie
 

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student

in Catholic School. Usually she slept

through the class.



One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her

while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who

created the universe?'



When Susie didn't stir, little Jack who was

her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.



'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.



The Nun said, 'Very good' and

continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie,

'Who is our Lord and Savior?'



But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, little Jack came to her

rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said,

'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.



The Nun asked her a third question...'

What did Eve say to Adam after

she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Jack came to the rescue.



This time Susie jumped up and shouted,


'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,

I'll break it in half!' :eek!:


The Nun fainted 3:-)

A Golf Story
 

Good one for even the non-golfers.

A Golf Story:

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.' o:D


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... 8-P
You know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day.

Teachers & Cops:
 

Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 8-P

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here." 3:-)

An older lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.....I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" ;)

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." o:D

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" 8-P

True Story
 

On the moon ?

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil
Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon,
"that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark,
"Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the -
'Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just
smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question
about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil
Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. Here is the answer to
"who was Mr. Gorsky":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing
baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which
landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors
were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,

"SEX ! You want SEX ?? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon"........

It broke the place up. o:D3:-)o:D

Neil Armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

At a bar, Archie approaches Zoe, a pretty girl drinking by herself.

He tries to make conversation, offers to buy her a drink, when suddenly she yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!" :eek!:

Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, Archie slinks back to his table with a red face. :-C

After a few minutes, Zoe walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."

To which Archie responds, as loudly as possible,

"What do you mean $200 for a BJ?!" 3:-)

Mad Mary
 

MAD Mary was whizzing round the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl. "licence please" said Carl.

Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into loony Leon, "Insurance please" said Leon.

Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by donkey DAVE NAKED with A EIGHT INCH hard on.

"Oh No" !! cried MARY not the BREATHALIZER AGAIN 3:-)

First Date
 

Owen took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Jane?" asked Owen.
"I want to get weighed," she admitted. ;)

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Owen again asked Jane what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she repeated. So back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Owen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she said once again.
By this time, Owen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. |>| |<|

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Jane responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." o:D

Hi all.
 

Hi all

If anyone is interested, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the World Cup final in Russia without realizing the date coincided with that of his wedding. :gh:

Therefore, if anyone is free and wants to go in his place, the church is St. Stephen's at Dagenham and the bride's name is Cheryl ;) :'D

Italian Poker Game
 

ITALIAN POKER CLUB


Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table....

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

“O'K, I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.:'D

For those inclined for this type of thing I have found a great new porn site, it's called Origami. The only problem with it is it's paper view o:D

Married Couple
 

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said,
"You're an alphabet wife .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said;

"Adorable,

Beautiful,

Cute,

Delightful,

Elegant,

Fabulous,

Gorgeous,

And Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles. :'D

Keep smiling! o:D

Paper is NOT Dead
 

All this 'Mularkey' where people and the Banks keep telling me that Paper is dead :scribe:-
Oh Really? https://youtu.be/V_gOZDWQj3Q o:D