On Tour in America
 

Just reminiscing about the time on the road, when Shane says "do you remember when we sat in that Dinner", "and the crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, after a summer ride in the country, walked in and sees that sign hanging over the bar which read":

CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

"Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walked up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers".

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives
the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

"The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.' :'D:'D

Amy still laughing said, "What about that woman called Maxine"?
"When that guy went up to her with her feet up on the chair sitting by herself...
The Man said: "May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
She said, "No, they spread". !!!:'D

Dear Mr's Dip
 

Dear Mrs. DIP

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty

Card, the Manager of our store in High Wysombe is considering banning you and

your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our

surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys

when they weren't looking. :'D

2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. :eek!:

3. July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products
aisle.

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in

housewares..... and watched what happened. :eek!:

5. August 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


6. September 15:

Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd

invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. :scribe:

7. September 23:

When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry

and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' :D

8. October 4:

Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his
nose,

and ate it. :-O

9. November 10:

While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle

asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. :loveme:

10. December 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme. :hippy:

11. December 6:

In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different
size funnels. :gh:

12. December 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK
ME!' :girl:

13. December 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal

position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.' 8-P

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very


loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.' :king:

Answer Phone Message !!
 

Dear Jonathan Ross,:cool:

















I've just shagged your daughter.

Who's laughing now? :'D











Lots of love,

Gary Glitter x :eek!:

Shane and Amy popped round
 

"Hey Benny i hear you had a trip around Birmingham that took longer than me to fly back from New York"..:'D Amy thought that very funny as she stubbed her fag out on my kitchen floor !!!!!! "Never mind mate", she said, "have a look at this, It'll make ya feel better" o:D

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

Had a bit of catching up...
 

Shane on the phone
 

"Hey Benny, just got back from New York, must tell ya this" !!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for Valerie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Valerie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

'Oh Valerie loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"Yes mate i replied", Shane listen
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.:cool: I'll call ya when your busy...byeeeeeeeeeee o:D

Anti Post !!
 

Well after this weekends Cheltenham meeting, i've been impressed with some of these horses so i have done a risky anti post bet:cool:

Imperial Commander (Win) Hennessy Gold Cup- A.Post 7/1 £2.00
Tatenen (Antepost) Arkle Chase 2009 7/2 £2.00
Diamond Harry (Ante Post) Ballymore Properties Novi Hdl - A.Post 8/1 £2.00
Punchestowns (Antepost) World Hurdle 2009- A.Post 14/1 £2.00
Denman (Win And Each Way) Cheltenham Gold Cup 2009 -A.Post 6/4 £2.00
+ .50p e/w Lucky 31
+ 1 pound e/w Accao:D

"Does Benny write for Timeform" ?
 

The day after i placed the anti-post bet (above). :cool:

This appeared in TimeformOpen.

Meeting winners Diamond Harry, Tatenen and Punchestowns have met with Timeform's approval.

The Halifax-based firm have awarded the rare 'large P', which indicates a horse that is capable of significant improvement, to Grade Two winner Diamond Harry.

They now rate Nick Williams' charge at 144P following his win in the Jets / Richard Davis Awards Hyde Novices' Hurdle and expect him to take high rank among the season's novice hurdlers.

Punchestowns (154p) was hugely impressive on his return to action in the Cotswold Style Intermediate Handicap Hurdle, traveling notably strongly and eventually winning with any amount in hand from a horse, in Ballydub, who himself appeared well-treated beforehand.

Timeform suggest that he's very much one to follow and that he could prove a serious World Hurdle candidate come March - good news for those who have backed him as high as 149-1 on Betfair.

Inglis Drever, the reigning World Hurdle champion, is rated 169 by Timeform and is set to reappear at Newbury at the end of the month.

Tatenen (152p) impressed with his jumping in the Independent Newspaper November Novices' Chase and he recorded a time that compares well with that for the following handicap.

Timeform believe he's likely to continue to take plenty of beating and he clearly boosts his stable's already very strong team for the Arkle.

Kieran Packman, Timeform's Communications Manager, commented: "The Open Meeting provided three days of competitive and exciting racing and we were particularly taken with the performances of three winners on Sunday.

"It's very early to be talking about Cheltenham Festival prospects, but it will be no surprise if all three are live contenders when March comes around if they can build on the abundant promise they showed on Sunday."

:brains:...Benny:cool:

Amy on the phone !!
 

"Hi benny, hows things", "Oh fine Amy nice to hear from you again, hows your mate Valerie and Shane" ? "Ha ha Yes there ok, funny thing do you remember the day we all went to Ascot in the helicopter, and knocked over that guy" ? "Oh" I said, "Yes he was Laddy Fellow" !!!
Suddenly AMY was in fits of laughter on the other end of the phone........................."Stop it benny, you'll make me wet my knickers, I've got to tell you this" !!
That bloke 'Laddy Fellow' from the bookies, has just moved into a new house next door to Shane, he didn't know he was neighbors of Shane though and got talking to this fit blond who was standing in Shane's garden . She told him she was busy painting and 'Laddy Fellow' offered to help while she went down to the shop to get more supplies.

When she was gone, he took the opportunity to raid her knicker drawers (like you fuckin' wouldn't) and found loads of saucy underwear, a huge dildo, anal beads and all sorts of pleasurable gadgets. He couldn't resist a lick, sniff and a quick wank.
He finished up just in time as she walked in with a huge smile on her face and gave him a hug. He asked her what that was for.. and she said, "Thank you I can go home now, Shane's going to be thrilled with what you've done for him!" :D
Amy still giggling said,"Benny......can you believe it' ????? "He thought it was her house ?? She was the decorator !!!
;)

Ring Ring !!
 

"Hello Benny here".........."Hi Bwenny it's Amy, hows thing at your end, thought i'd better catch up on the gossip" ?...
"Oh hi Amy" , "Not to bad, you know me poker, dogs and horses and yourself, whats been going on with you and Shane" ? ....
"Shane" she said, "He made me laugh, told me a story about his mate Enrico, you know the chauffeur guy at the races that time" !! "He went for an interview at the council, the interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
'Enrico says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.' :eek!:
The interviewer tells Enrico, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
Enrico is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not really any point in you coming in for that'....:'D

'Amy see ya later'

14/1 Puchestowns
 

hmmm yum yums:cool:

Shane's Lucky Night
 

"Benny did i tell ya the time when I ended up with a woman at a local bar ". 'She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.:loveme: I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.' We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.' !!!

We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, .....:'D



















'Mom! You still awake?' !!!!!!!!!!:eek!:..

"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable." :scribe:

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?




It means you're in the wrong house." :'D

American Scales of Justice !!
 

From the courts ao the USA :clap:


"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

* * *

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

* * *

"Did he kill you?"

* * *

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

* * *

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

* * *

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

* * *

"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

* * *

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God Bless America B (:

Be Careful what you wish for !!
 

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."















elo .........:'D

Oh here we go then ?
 

My mate Shane phoned and told me these !!!:hi:


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!' 8-P


Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can't work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy. 3:-)




Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!' :hi:


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! 3:-)

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! :-O


Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!':scribe:




Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!' :clap:


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !' :flyaway:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks Shane ....laters mateo:D

Trafalgar battle under Blair and Brown !!
 

Trafalgar 2009

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.
What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it!Äfull
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch
of water."
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also
said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "And what about Sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case Kiss me Hardy." :eek!:




Benny:'D

more anti post
 

:cool:

Grand National 2009- Notre Pere @ 20/1
Triumph Hurdle 2009- Zaynar @ 7/2
Chelt Gold Cup 2009 - Denman @ 5/1
Ballymore Properties Novice Hdl 2009- Diamond Harry @ 3/1
Champion Hurdle 2009- Binocular @ 5/4
Arkle Chase 2009 Tatenen @ 5/1


e/w heinz + e/w acca

That looks like...
 

To my good friends !!
 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine....B (: And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.



Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health .



Therefore, it's better



to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:



I'm doing it as a public service. o:)

Say's it for me !!
 

Saturday's Adonis Hurdle winner Hebridean will not line up in the Triumph Hurdle after connections decided to bypass the Cheltenham Festival.
Paul Nicholls' four-year-old was a useful performer on the level for Aidan O'Brien but had been turned over on his first two starts over hurdles.
He got back on the winning trail at Kempton but Aintree, not Cheltenham, will be his next port of call.
Nicholls said: "He's come out of the race absolutely fine but we've decided to miss Cheltenham and go to Aintree with him.
"I spoke to Adrian (Nolan, owner) about it this morning and Ruby (Walsh) is very keen to go to Aintree.
"There is Punchestown after Aintree as well but the flatter track at Aintree will suit him."

update benny:cool:

If it hadn't been for bloodstock agent Anthony Bromley, names such as Kauto Star, Master Minded, Azertyuiop and Voy Por Ustedes might never have appeared on the Festival role of honour. Here he talks to Zoey Bird about his purchases running at the 2009 Festival.:cool:



The Cheltenham Festival is very English with all that tweed - and Irish of course with all that Guinness - yet don’t really think of it as being very French. However, it is when it comes to the horses, as these days almost half the contenders running at the Festival were born and raised in France.

And the majority of that half would never have made it over the Channel to compete at Cheltenham if it hadn’t been for one canny Englishman who saw a gap in the National Hunt Bloodstock market.

In 1997 a young bloodstock agent called Anthony Bromley, fed up with extortionate prices of young National Hunt horses in Ireland, took a leaf out of Martin Pipe’s book and headed over to France for some fresh blood. Not one trainer was interested at first but then David Nicholson and Nicky Henderson took a punt; they were rewarded quickly with Toto Toscato and Festival winner Katarino.

Then Bromley met shrewd French jumps trainer Guillaume Macaire and since then the pair have supplied a huge array of Festival winners to Champion Trainer Paul Nicholls, Alan King and their principal owners. Great chasers such as Azertyuiop and Voy Por Ustedes are among Bromley’s portfolio and in all he’s bought 28 Festival winners from France for nine different English trainers.

Bromley’s biggest success to date is multiple Grade 1 winner Kauto Star but Master Minded could well be on his way to topping that if he wins his second Champion Chase this March. What with that and five Bromley purchases running in this year’s Gold Cup alone, plus a further 60 runners in other races at the Festival, Cheltenham 2009 looks like being Bromley’s biggest yet.

In the build up to the most important week of the year for the agent, I asked Bromley to select the pick of his purchases that will be in action at the Festival.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WILLIAMHILL.COM SUPREME NOVICES' HURDLE (13.30 Tuesday)
"The Supreme Novices' looks to be a race for the Irish this year but Alan King's Medermit has a live each-way chance, definitely. He’s a horse who has exceeded our expectations and that’s good for a novice to do, he just keeps getting better and that’s what you want at Cheltenham; knowing that there’s more to come."

IRISH INDEPENDENT ARKLE NOVICES' CHASE (14.05 Tuesday)
"This is one of the Stewart family’s best chances. It was so good to finally get a winner for Andy (Stewart) at the Festival last year, he’s such a good client and he’s had a lot of luck, just not at Cheltenham. I knew Tatenen would be good because of what he’s achieved in France; he was unbeaten there and won a Listed Hurdle and a Graded hurdle. When we went across to see him he looked great schooling and really knew his job. For the first half of this season he was the best novice out there but there’s plenty of competition now. Gary Moore’s Panjo Bere is interesting; he was bought out of a claimer in France, but not by me!"

SMURFIT KAPPA CHAMPION HURDLE (15.20 Tuesday)
"I’ve never bought the winner of the Champion Hurdle but I'm hoping to break that record this year. Nicky (Henderson) said JP McManus was looking for a Triumph Hurdle horse and I knew about Binocular so Nicky came across to France to see him and fell in love with him. He is so neat and quick over his hurdles and a determined galloper; he’ll come up that hill no problem. There’s plenty of French breds in the race this year; Osana, Sublimity, Ashkazar, all of them have chances. If you take Binocular out the race, its wide open, Celestial Halo has been trained especially for the Champion all season rather than various other big prizes and trials."




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BALLYMORE PROPERTIES NOVICES' HURDLE (14.05 Wednesday)
"If it’s soft Mikael D’Haguenet wins this for Willie Mullins. Willie likes his French horses, they suit him because they’re precocious and just the right sort for bumpers and novice hurdles. If it’s quicker Karabak would have a big chance. I bought him at the breeze-up sales because he was racey with a nice pedigree. He’s a big strong sort and the combination of the hill and the trip will play to his strengths."

SEASONS HOLIDAYS QUEEN MOTHER CHAMPION CHASE (15.20 Wednesday)
"This and the Arkle are the races that I am associated with most, largely thanks to Azertyuiop’s successes for owner John Hales. Then I bought Master Minded for Clive Smith and he blew everyone away when he won this last year. It took seven months for me to get him off of Guillaume (Macaire). He knew Master Minded was going to be very good. He had excellent form in France and the rate at which he was progressing from a four to a five-year-old was incredible. Even so, none of us thought we would be dealing with a stellar champion and he’s only six. To think Clive’s (Smith) only ever owned five horses, he’s been a lucky man! Away from Master Minded there are plenty of live chances for the places including Twist Magic and especially Petit Robin who was unbeaten over fences in France and would have contested the Ballymore Properties two years ago if he hadn’t been injured. The Poyntons (owners) have been very patient with him. He is lightly raced, but mature and there’s a lot more to come from him. He could be a dark horse."




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RYANAIR CHASE (14.40 Thursday)
"I’ve bought a few horses for Sir Robert Ogden, including Voy Por Usteres and Star de Mohaison, both Festival winners. Voy Por’s been a fantastic horse, he’s another to have notched up the Arkle/Champion Chase double but since then he’s had to play second fiddle to Master Minded over two miles, though he did beat him at Aintree. He ran with the choke out a bit at Ascot last time but that suits him. This is the right race for him, the right trip, everything and he’s my banker. I bought Gwanako for Andy Stewart to win the Triumph but he was injured and although he was small he’s made up into a decent chaser which he proved at Aintree. He’s been one of those bonus balls, a real trier."


LADBROKES WORLD HURDLE (15.20 Thursday)
"It would be very poignant if Punchestowns could win for owner Judy Wilson who lost her husband last year. He was fast becoming the leading bumper horse in France when I spotted him. I record every single race from France, I have a whole library. He was a reasonably good novice but has matured into a serious horse. He does very little wrong in a race, has an engine and stays really well. Big Buck's had a change of tack from top-class staying chases to hurdles. It’s no real surprise he’s done it so well, as he’d won graded races over hurdles in France. He’s a classy, talented horse and I think he’ll run a massive race but the way Kasbah Bliss won at Haydock, I don’t think he’ll be beaten."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JCB TRIUMPH HURDLE (13.30 Friday)
"It’s really exciting to have bought the two market leaders. I found Zaynar at the French sales. He has a fantastic pedigree by Daylami out of Zainta who won the Prix De Diane. He was quite expensive at 120,000 euros but to be honest he’s justified that by doing everything so easily. He’s just a lovely horse. So also is Walkon but he was very reasonably priced. He’s been a real revelation and just seems to get better and better and we get the impression there is more to come, he’s very gutsy, a real Triumph sort."

TOTESPORT CHELTENHAM GOLD CUP (15.20 Friday)
"I was so gutted when Kauto Star didn’t win last year that I left almost straight after the race. He’s been a very special horse to me. It took forever to buy him off of Serge Foucher as he didn’t really want to sell him. We’ve had some nail biting moments through his amazing career but I really thought last year was Kauto’s and I was wrong. A lot depends on the ground this year. I don’t think Kauto Star wants it too soft, just good. Neptune Collonges jumps, gallops and stays but he just has to show some extra sparkle to actually win the Gold Cup. I personally think it’s a wide open race this year. You ignore Madison Du Berlais at your peril, he could spoil the party. As could Albertas Run, who I bought for Trevor (Hemmings), he has a real live chance."

Having brokered the market leaders in ten of the big races at Cheltenham, Bromley looks like having his best Festival to date but he’s quick to point out that providing owners with a horse good enough to run there is difficult enough, the rest is down to luck.

update BTD:cool:

Irish update for March and April Festival's:cool:

Noel Meade could well have unearthed a lively outsider for the William Hill Supreme Novices' Hurdle at Cheltenham in 15 days time in Go Native, who was quite a comfortable winner of the Grade 2 paddypower.com Johnstown Novice Hurdle at Naas on Sunday.

The Double Eclipse gelding's defeat of the Grade 2 scorer Roberto Goldback was another ringing endorsement for Hurricane Fly, who dispatched him with consummate ease at Leopardstown after Christmas. However, this should not overshadow the fact that Go Native is a talented novice.

He travelled especially well throughout the Naas race and did win with authority. It is worth bearing in mind that he has form on a much quicker surface - such versatility in terms of ground could stand him in good stead at Cheltenham - and his trainer felt that he could improve for this run also.

Obviously he has a lot to find with Hurricane Fly should they cross swords at Cheltenham but he is a strong traveller and a good jumper and it is not hard to envisage him running a big race in the Cotswolds should he get the all clear to take his chance there.

Later on the card Charles Byrnes's Carthalawn disposed of Schindlers Hunt and Mansony in the two mile Newlands Chase to confirm the progress that has been evident from his last few runs while Joncol looked a fine staying chaser in the making with a ten length success in the Grade 2 novice chase.

The Paul Nolan-trained Joncol should be a good deal sharper for this experience, which was his first run since he made a winning start over fences in early December, and, if there was some ease in the ground, he can play a major role in a race like the Powers Gold Cup at Fairyhouse over Easter. An imposing six-year-old who has run just four times on the track, he could develop into a potent force over fences.

The two-mile three-furlong bumper has produced two Cheltenham bumper winners over the last decade and it witnessed an intriguing clash between the debut course winner Quadrillon, trained by Willie Mullins, and Rite Of Passage, who looked a decent sort when winning a Galway bumper on his first taste of racecourse action last August.

Despite probably not having the ground to suit and an absence of over six month to overcome, Rite Of Passage still turned in a very smart effort to account for Quadrillon by six lengths. His Cheltenham participation is far from certain but this effort would put him right into the reckoning for that race and there is surely more to come from the five-year-old.

Elsewhere Black Apalachi completed his John Smith's Grand National preparations with flying colours at Fairyhouse on Saturday as he produced a pillar to post tour de force in the Grade 2 At The Races Bobbyjo Chase.

The Dessie Hughes inmate, who ran promisingly over hurdles at the start of the month, looked to be on excellent terms with himself as he disposed of Snowy Morning by 17 lengths.

He is deservedly one of the leading fancies for Aintree glory - he won over the National fences in November's Beecher Chase - and soft ground at Liverpool would increase his chances of victory all the more.

Snowy Morning will also head to Aintree where he ran a fine third last year. He has not been at his best this term and was well held on this occasion. However, the tacky ground certainly wouldn't have played to his strengths and it would be most unwise to underestimate his chances as he does tend to come to himself in the springtime.

Hughes came away from Fairyhouse with a Grade 2 double to his name having also landed the Winning Fair Juvenile Hurdle with Kyrie Eleison.

The Kalanisi gelding did well to overcome a bad mistake at the last and his trainer feels that he will improve for better ground, although he has plenty to find with the best juveniles around. His victory was a boost for the Triumph hopefuls Jumbo Rio, Ebadiyan and Mourad who had him back in fifth at Leopardstown six days previously.

Earlier in the week Willie Mullins further strengthened his Cheltenham team as Quevega staked her claim for the David Nicholson Mares Hurdle with a fluent success in a conditions hurdle at Punchestown on Wednesday.

Running for the first time in 241 days, she can be expected to make significant progress off this outing and will be a major player for her Prestbury Park assignment.

It is worth remembering that during her four-year-old campaign she finished just a couple of lengths behind Hurricane Fly in a Grade 1 at Auteuil.

The week also served up several bumper winners for the yard including Lios A Choill who made a winning start to his career at Fairyhouse.

The Saddlers' Hall gelding quickened up smartly off a very slow pace to win decisively and he looked like that would improve appreciably for the experience.

An especially well bred sort, he looks a horse of considerable potential and is another intriguing candidate for Cheltenham.

John Kiely also has an excellent record in bumpers this term and he unveiled quite a smart sort in Taking Stock who scored at Punchestown on Wednesday.

This could well be the Flemensfirth gelding's only outing this season. However, there was much to like about his effort and his is a name to remember for next term.

Undoubtedly one of the most promising individuals on view over the last week was the Enda Bolger-trained An Siorrac who was deeply impressive in a hunters chase at Fairyhouse on Saturday.

Unbeaten in his two point-to-point starts, which included a defeat of the decent hunter chaser Carronhills, the six-year-old couldn't have made a better start to his racecourse career in defeating Royal Blood by 30 lengths.

Cheltenham isn't on his agenda and instead he is likely to head to the Fairyhouse and Punchestown Festivals. Nonetheless, his is a name to remember and he is a horse of considerable potential.

update BTD:cool:

ohhhh
 

Hurricane Fly ....NR:eek!:

Final Touches
 

Champion Hurdle favourite "Binocular" :loveme:satisfied trainer Nicky Henderson in a racecourse spin at Kempton ahead of his Cheltenham Festival bid.
The five-year-old has dominated the market for the Smurfit Kappa-sponsored event after scoring an easy success at Ascot before Christmas.
He has not been seen on the track since December but was reunited with big-race rider Tony McCoy on Wednesday morning, when he was one of seven horses to work on the all-weather at the Sunbury venue.

Galloping in company with Coral Cup-bound The Polomoche, Binocular worked over a mile and a half, setting off from the two-furlong marker before completing a full circuit of the track.
Henderson said: "Tony got off and said he had a good blow.
"You could see from where we were standing he had a blow and he had another one turning in. He's a stuffy horse and needs plenty (of work).
"He is one person that we've not run since December on purpose and we could have done without 14 days locked up in the cupboard so to speak.
"He was the interrupted person. He was the one horse that needed this workout more than the others - they were here for a day out and a bit of fun.
"He is stuffy and will do that (have a blow), and The Polomoche is a very good work horse."

Stable jockey Barry Geraghty was aboard The Polomoche and also partnered JCB Triumph Hurdle favourite "Zaynar":loveme: as he undertook a similar gallop.
The four-year-old is unbeaten in two British starts but he was made to work by the McCoy-ridden Aigle D'Or - another Coral Cup contender - in their spin.
Henderson added: "He wants pace but it's all there and he keeps picking up and picking up like he did at Ascot.
"Barry said Ascot didn't suit him as well as Newbury. He is lazy and probably a bit inexperienced but he jumps."

Cesarewitch winner Caracciola was also in action with Zaynar and Aigle D'Or and he will tackle the Pertemps Final, although Henderson has already set his sights on a big Flat prize for his veteran performer.
He explained: "We're getting him ready for the Melbourne Cup as his owner is very keen.
"Tell that to the Aussies and they'll go ballistic as they've never seen a 12-year-old before."

Others having a spin were the Geraghty-ridden My Petra, and French Opera, who was steered by Marcus Foley.
The latter is set to bid for glory in the Johnny Henderson Grand Annual Chase - a race named in memory of Henderson's father - but My Petra's target is far from certain. "I'm not sure where My Petra will run, she's there as a standby for Chomba Womba in the David Nicholson," he explained.
"She has plenty of other entries and where she runs will depend on the ground as she likes it quick."

Kempton clerk of the course Brian Clifford had prepared a strip around the outside of the track for Henderson's team and the Seven Barrow trainer acknowledged his efforts.
"I want to thank Kempton and Barney Clifford very much as they have done a very good job of setting the track up as we want it," he said.

Henderson has not yet completed his Festival preparations, with leading World Hurdle contender "Punchestowns":loveme: and Cheltenham Gold Cup hope Barbers Shop set to be put through their paces over the weekend.
"We will work another batch of horses at Newbury on Sunday including Mad Max, Punchestowns, Barbers Shop, The Market Man and a few others, to do the same thing as we've done this morning," Henderson added.
"These were the early-in-the-week horses and to go to Newbury would be too close to the Tuesday and Wednesday of the Festival."

update BTD:cool:

Email from Amy
 

Hi Benny

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.





One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.





Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.





Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.





On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...














(Please scroll down)




























































































What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails, and dogs !!















I don't know about you sometimes!

Benny ...please behave !!!

oops that'll teach me then ?
 

Forbidden
You don't have permission to access /images/Reviews/pc/area-51/area-51-1.jpg on this server.


Access denied !!


Really ?

Benny's Cheltenham X Files
 

So with the Cheltenham Festival looming and only another five days of nail biting to the off and some juicy anti post vouchers waiting to turn into dust or gold what else is there to consider :brains:

Bets already struck !!
Imperial Commander (Win) Hennessy Gold Cup- A.Post 7/1 (NR loser)
Tatenen (Antepost) Arkle Chase 2009 7/2 .................................Fell
Diamond Harry (Ante Post) Ballymore Properties Novi Hdl - A.Post 8/1 .......3rd
Punchestowns (Antepost) World Hurdle 2009- A.Post 14/1 ..........2nd
Denman (Win And Each Way) Cheltenham Gold Cup 2009 6/4..........2nd

Grand National 2009- Notre Pere @ 20/1
Triumph Hurdle 2009- Zaynar @ 7/2 ............1st
Chelt Gold Cup 2009 - Denman @ 5/1 ..........2nd
Ballymore Properties Novice Hdl 2009- Diamond Harry @ 3/1 ...............3rd
Champion Hurdle 2009- Binocular @ 5/4 .................................3rd
Arkle Chase 2009 Tatenen @ 5/1 .........fell

Well at this stage most of the value has gone and waiting till the day of the race is when you'll find course bookies and morning shows much bigger than whats currently on offer from the big firms. That said, you cannot put out of the equation the Irish connection's and they will be steaming into their fancies over the coming weekend and they will have plenty of winners here, so where is the value here .:h?:

Quevega.Willie Mullins(David Nicholson Mares only 7/2)................1st
Go Native . Noel Meade (Supreme Novice 10/1) (Betfair 13.5 /1 win bet struck)....1st
Right of Passage (Bumper 8/1).................2nd
Lois A Choill (Bumper 14/1) .NR ..will not go to Cheltenham, says trainer
Catch Up (Not Sure about this one yet, the jury still out)
Kyrie Eleison..(Triumph Hurdle 50/1 small e/w) (Betfair 269/1 win..32/1 place..small bet struck).NR

There are plenty more to consider but when knowing what race there going to run in, is the time to consider the chances !
On a brighter note "Notre Pere" is a definite NON Runner for the Gold Cup ( had a minor setback) His trainer said he'll wait and see about going to Aintree for the National :scribe: ( I think he'll be there)
And finally the one horse that I think we have all overlooked for the Gold Cup was the very impressive David Pipe horse "Madison Du Burlais".. Although i still think Denman will run a big race, this fella has done every thing asked and looks the value bet :brains:... update later Tea and smoke required:smoke:

.. I'm not listening Shane, oh go on then !!



A cross section survey of over 250,000 people in the UK made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Scots, Scousers and Chavs were asked if they thought England should change its currency to the Euro.

99% said no,


as they were perfectly happy with the Giro !!!!!!!

According to the trainer Notre Pere unlikely to run in the Grand National this year :h?:

Part Timer
 

This is the time when, miss information, and red herrings start flying around, i had a feeling there would be a statement to this affect, wait and see.. he'll run.. he was never going to run in both races so from a betting point there keeping their options open :scribe:...you know these Irish trainers always play their cards close to their chest:'D
Just like Cheltenham, we still dont know what races half their runners are going in :'D


glk benny

Trainer is quoted in the Irish Times. Very misleading if it does run, but then again remember the Derby :eek!:

RACING: Jim Dreaper's Notre Pere has been ruled out of the totesport Cheltenham Gold Cup on Friday week after suffering a “setback”.

The Coral Welsh National winner chased home Neptune Collonges in the Irish Hennessy at Leopardstown last month and Dreaper is understandably disappointed his charge will not be able to have a crack at the blue riband next week.

"He's had a minor setback and he will not be running in the Gold Cup," said Dreaper. "He's going to have to miss work for this week and he will run as soon as he's ready."

As well as the Gold Cup, Dreaper is unsure whether his charge will take his chance in the Grand National at Aintree in April as he is not keen to let him run in the marathon event this season anyway.

"It came at absolutely the wrong time but he'll be back and we will just have to see about Aintree," the trainer continued.

"He's entered in the Grand National because obviously you have to be from the outset but none of us are actually very keen to do it this year.

"He'll tell us when he is right again and we will make a decision on where we go from there."

yes
 

I read that earlier today in "The Life" it's all as you say, what about "The Derby"....Every year it's the same with the Irish trainers at the big meetings, they had him entered in the Gold Cup and somewhere here (thread) i said then he wouldn't run in it....Whatever they are saying now, come Aintree he will have done a wonderful piece of work and they'll take their chance .o:D

Trading @ 59 on Betfair :eek!:

Joke from Shane!!
 

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican

and, because they are 'THE' 7 Dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope,
"What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your
Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd
question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy,
there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs
start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing
them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are
there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a
moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no
dwarf nuns in Europe ."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst
into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and
silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions
says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,
rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down
their cheeks, as they begin chanting........

:D:D:D:D:D:D

"Grumpy screwed a penguin!"

"Grumpy screwed a penguin!"

Cheltenham Tues
 

Selection 's :loveme:

13:30 Go Native @ SP ...............1st ..12/1
14:05 Tatenen @ SP ............fell (gutted)
14:40 Wichita Lineman @ SP .........1st ..5/1
15:20 Binocular @ SP ..........3rd
16:00 L'Ami @ SP ............2nd
16:40 Quevega @ SP ...............1st...2/1

win doubles
e/w Trebles
e/w acca x 6

glk us B (:

Smoking....:loveme:

Wednesday Cheltenham
 

Well after Tuesday's great result's,:loveme: we wont be getting to busy and hoping to build our profit for the festival on some small win singles and e/w multi-bets..This could be the hardest day to find winners so good luck all :brains:

A Can'T Buy Time 1:30
B Diamond Harry 2:05 (nap)
C Cooldine 2:40
D Master Minded 3:20
E Franchoek 4:00
F Flag Of Honour 4:40
G Sicilian Secret 5:15

all small bets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
win singles
win doubles
e/w trebles
e/w acca x 7

oh balls
 

I meant to do Right of Passage in the last :scribe:

oh well, we will have to see how the others go now , i like the chance of Sicilian Secret but i did the wrong one on the bet..:gh: