Important NHS Warning !
 

NHS London
Southside
105 Victoria Street
London SW1E 6QT

Tel: 020 7932 3700
January 19, 2012


IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL GENERAL PRACTITIONERS


Stage 3 Notice: possible pandemic in the Christmas period



Recent studies conducted on "delirium tremens" indicate that in certain cases this can be transmitted amongst humans. We are seeing probable contamination in most areas of Hertfordshire, Suffolk and parts of Cambridgeshire and Essex. Cases have also been reported in Hammersmith & Fulham (13), Westminster (12), Hampstead (24), Merton (19), Acton (12) and more recently in Kensington & Chelsea (39).

It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine or beer. Most (97.6%) of the subjects will encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without wine for 1 to 2 days on average.

Extended periods without wine would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.

If any of your patients present with these symptoms, please contact the Crisis Centre in London immediately.

Our research to date has identified only one certain cure: regular consumption of wine at least every 8 hours.

Please bring this document to the attention everyone you believe to be at risk.


:))

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important ...........

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people,

Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said,
"Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

Her reply was,

"Could you jack off?" . "I feel like sh*t this morning." !!

:'D

Office Politics
 

This i found, and is very funny (well i think so anyways) :loveme:

Office Politics ~ Short Film ~ 13 mins, http://youtu.be/84Z5zmjRxww

enjoy 8-P

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities. :brains:

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced,
'The Coopers are having a root!!' :loveme:

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?' :h?:

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!! 8-P


o:D

DIVORCE...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irv." All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,

You get £2,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 holidays a year and

You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 pence?" :eek!:



Now that's a Jewish mother!!! 8-P

Jewish sunbathing
 

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Camps Bay " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate screwing of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?" :h?:

The man replied,









"How did you know my name was Katz?" o:D

A ladies view on multi tasking ?
 

You Never New What Women Do :eek!:

:gh: When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the cubicle doors.



Every cubicle is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It
doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your
pants!


The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum ,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door
hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on
the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume 'The Stance.


In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or
to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance'.


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you
had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet
paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you
have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That
would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.


The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the
toilet.


'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing
your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet
seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you could get.


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that
covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.


The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)


You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why
is your bag hanging around your neck?


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets.
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It
also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to
the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang
onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.


So guys understand, that being a girl is not all that easy! :'D

The old ones are the best !!
 

God Loves Drunk People Too :loveme:


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.





"Over here on the swing," ???? ~ ~ ~ replied the drunk. B (:

Two 'right old geezers' AMATEUR PUB POKER PLAYERS (FRAN and MATT) are seated either side of a table in a pub before their pub game, when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two guys start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

FRAN: - I reckon he's an accountant.

MATT: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

FRAN: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fran and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

FRAN: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

FRAN: - Oh? What's that then?

suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

FRAN: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?

FRAN: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

FRAN: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

FRAN: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

FRAN: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

FRAN: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

FRAN: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

FRAN: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

FRAN: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Fran returns to his mate.

MATT: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

FRAN: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

MATT: - What's that then?

FRAN: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

MATT: - Nope

FRAN: - Well then, you're a wan'ker :'D

o:D

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, Whats your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.:eek!:

The accountant is somewhat shocked and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

The accountant replies, "That still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."



"Chicken farmer it is.." :loveme: