Cheltenham Thursday
 

With the Irish taking nearly everything so far, i don't see any reason why they should stop now.... "Notable D'Estruval" 4 00 , for me this is one of the bets of the meeting.... the gambles now on and i expect this fellow to be favourite come the off:eek!: If your looking for form on him :brains:then look who he beat four runs back..my ol mate Notre Pere:eek!:

The 3 20 'World Hurdle' looks a thriller and i'm sticking with Punchestown to turn over the hotpot Favourite ...
This meeting...i'm luving it:eat:

glk all benny:cool:

When Amy was a little girl !!
 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.



The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.


"That's a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration. Thanks," the girl replied.


The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.


"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."


The little girl replied thoughtfully, :gh:






"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." :'D

Thought this was the thread to post this vid 8-P

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e64ddb44b7

hahaaa
 

Sooo :D funny Pkaplya:clap: luv it..

Ya know ive got an email, with an attachment..brilliant :loveme: but i dont know how to post it on here....maybe Tony will tell me when i speak to him next:brains:

Haha.....This is from Benny....
 

A fuller version http://www.webtvhub.com/nude-magicia...medy-festival/

o:Do:Do:D.....thats funny.

lol very funny and quite a fit bird 8-P by the way its done by ..........





























using a false thumb tip i used to do a bit of magic myself tell ya what though when she pulls out the last one she must have good pelvic muscles to keep the thumb tip in there :'D

You talking about my vid or PT's bally? lool8-P

Women
 

WIFE FROM HELL:eek!:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' :eek!:

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?' :C

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' :eek!:

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' :C

The officer20frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.':eek!:

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' :scribe:

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'






I love this part.. :







'Only when he's been drinking.' :'D :D

Now this is superb......
 

Feel good Britain !!
 

Modern prayer for the British





GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY..

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,

I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSETH ME.

BROWN HATH ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUN OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE

DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCEFORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,

I AM GLAD I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG

AND BROWN WERE A TREE.

:-C

Must have been a nice weekend :eek!:

lol yes PT
 

It was great down by the beach along to the "Lord Nelson"B (: B (: with the dog..and i come back to find you've won the Champion Tipster:clap: well done mateo:D
Refreshed now to play on my new site Gala Poker, oh i'll still play Sky !!
So it's back to the drawing board and off we go again :loveme:

Here's a couple for ya !
 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke
hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh!t.":eek!:






I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low? :'D





I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing
on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" o:D


lol8-P

Heres an old one for you benny
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imc9aWir_Us
o:Do:Do:D

ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa
 

Luved it !!o:D..:clap:

Guineas ant-post double
 

Arazan (Antepost) 2000 Guineas 2009- A.Post 12/1
Rainbow View (Antepost) 1000 Guineas 2009-A.Post 6/4
+ e/w double:cool:

Whats wrong with that ?
 

As we men age and retire, it seems that more and more doctors and other medical personnel are young attractive women.



Recently, my family doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said,
















"Because I'm trying to examine you......"o:D

In the News Today
 

Oh before you read this, my application is already in the post for the next attempt..o:D

Strangest lawsuit ever?
Tue Apr 21 01:28PM

I see a lot of strange news stories in this job and this one, which was featured recently in a German newspaper, is up there with the strangest.

A judge in Stuttgart, Germany, is currently trying to decide on a lawsuit in which a man hired his neighbour to impregnate his wife.

It gets weirder.

Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, were very keen to have a child together, but Demetrius was Sterile so they began to seek out other possible options.

The option the couple eventually decided on was to hire their neighbour Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate Traute.

Maus, who was already married with two children agreed to do the job for the fee of €2,000. For three evenings a week for the next six months, a total of 72 different times, Maus tried to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, Maus explained that he was "only doing it for the money."

After the unsuccessful six-month period Soupolos insisted that Maus take a medical examination. The doctor concluded that Maus was also sterile, which forced his wife into admitting that their two children did not belong to him.

Soupolos is now suing Maus in an effort to get his money back. Maus' argument is that he did not guarantee conception, only that he would try his hardest.
:'D
Yes and so would I :loveme: benny

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin,





"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?" :eek!:

Not one hand went up ...:'D

So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men thinko:D

Never Ending Tale !
 

If, like me, you’re really stupid, you will see the world through metaphors derived solely from dumb TV shows of the Sixties and Seventies.
Because, you see, life is like Runaround - the ITV kids game show hosted by a pre-Eastenders Mike Read.
After the loveable cockney asked a question, the hordes of kids would have to “runaround” three sections of the game-board.
Two would be right and one would be wrong, and you got a yellow ball if you stood in the right area. Much jostling would ensue as the kids chose safety in numbers, assuming that the more people who stood in an area the better the chance of them collectively having the right answer. And normally this worked.
But there was always one kid who would dart between the three sections, following and then abandoning the flow, making complex but futile judgements about his probability of success as the blinding lights flashed and the sirens hooted. At the moment of revelation, this one kid would invariably be occupying a section all on his own.
As the answer was revealed he would desperately try to jump next door but would soon be spotted by the cybernetically enhanced eyes of Mr Read. Mike Read would whisk you away with a clip on the ear (this was 1975) and declare to the laughing masses “What a wally!”
Some of us have been standing in that wrong segment for most of our adult lives, sometimes trying to jump into adjacent squares but then changing our minds and sticking to our so-called principles. While all the time a voice of gruff fatherly authority shouts beerily down our lugholes with a Readian equal emphasis on each syllable - “What A Wa Lee!”
You could try and jump next door with all the other kids, but if you’re stupid like me you’ll stay in your lonely segment, hoping that, despite the overwhelming evidence, you’ve made the right decision.
You just had to be different, didn’t you?
Welcome home my friends, to the tale that never ends -
welcome to My Stupid Life.

She had to go !!
 

Why I fired my Secretary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner." o:D



After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked !!!!!!..............:cool:

One for the Pub
 

One night,

as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.:-C







A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. and says,













'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?':eat: :'D

Phone rings !!
 

"Hey Benny, it's Shane yer man here" !!!!
"Sight" , "Oh hello Shane hows things with you"
"Well you know what a good church going soul that i am, i got to tell about the congregation and the talk of the Vicar's Salary"
"What" I said !!! "The Vicar's Salary" :h?:

Shane goes on, "At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more"
.
"There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popula|" .

"Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims":
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. :clap:

"Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause. :clap:

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' !!!!!

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' :h?:
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: o:D


'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F u c k him' !!



......I dropped the phone !!:'D

The Hit Man
 

"Hi Benny, Shane here" !! "Got to tell ya this, about these two guys playing golf " !

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part of the way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window."... "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha,
I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her...... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars each time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, but shoot his dick
off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man lifted the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,

"I think I can save you a grand here....." :eek!:

Beware of falling asleep !!
 

Dave the hen
~~~~~~~~~
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
Drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
Already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
Found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
You?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got
To send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
House, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
Around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
Welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
Inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
Laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
Out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
And his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
For the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
And he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
Ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
Felt an enormous smack on the back of his head :eek!:
and heard his wife Shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard',











'You've shit the bed !!' :eek!:

;):flowers::storm::smoke::news:3:-):hi::flyaway::king::loveme:

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in..

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen!"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!"proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!"exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"

pkrplaya
 

luv it :D ..:clap:

Irish maths test
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

LOL lmao o:D

Two hillbillies Ted and Ed walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies Ted looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly Ted walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner Ed says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

oh no im off on a joke binge
 

This dude comes back from basic training and his dad's all glad to see him n' stuff and says...
"Welcome back son, I can't tell you how proud I am. Now c'mon tell me all about basic."
"Aww it was alright," says the son. "The only thing I had trouble with was jumpin' outta the plane.".....
"Well that's only natural. Ya jumped though, didn't ya?"
"Yeah but it took a while. I was stuck in the doorway and couldn't move my arms or legs, then my commanding officer said 'Boy, if you don't jump outta this plane, I'm takin' this baseball bat and beatin' you til yer mama won't recognize ya! Do you get me?!' "
The father says...."I'll bet you jumped out then didn't ya?"
"No," the son said. "I told myself to jump but my body wouldn't listen. Then I turned around to see my C.O. had his AK47 out and he said, 'Boy you BEST jump out this plane or I'm gonna shoot you full of so many holes you'll look like a Goddamn swiss cheese! DO YOU GET ME?!' "
The father laughed and said..."I KNOW you jumped then, right?"
"Nope," said the young soldier. "I thought I was gonna have a heart attack from fear which scared me even worse than my C.O., til I looked around and saw him there with his pants down and his enormous horse-sized doodad pointing at me. He said 'Boy, if you don't jump right this instant I'm gonna put this so far up yer rear end you'll think I GREW THERE! DO...YOU....GET ME??!!!!' "
The father was no longer laughing.....Quietly, nervously, he said. "I HOPE you jumped then."
The son paused for a moment in silent reflection.......and said---

"Well, yeah..... A little at first."

5 Minute Management Course
 

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband s ay s, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. < /B>It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the wo rld. '

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager .

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing noth ing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it act ually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize ho w warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh *ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

hahaha
 

o:D :clap:

Its gone a bit quiet on here lately so heres one for benny o:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noQeAGv7fN0

lol nice one
 

lol luved it o:D.....here's one
WARNING ..Before reading the following .. place all cups with tea or coffee, on a safe surface.
Do NOT smoke while reading ...I did both and was coughing and spluttering for 10 mins afterwards..
"Youve been warned" !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.). These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. S.ex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ....................................(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow ................................

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U .................................................. .........................................(What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium ..................(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor .................................................. .........(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport .......................................(Irrefutabl e)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face ........................(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm off to have a scotch now, knowing our future is safe in the hands of todays youth !! :))