Talk Sport Forums - Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

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Flight of Virgin Air ...

Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

"What is your name?"

Hostess:
"Angela Benz, Sir!"

Passenger:
"Lovely name, Any relation with Mercedes Benz?" o:D

Hostess:
"Yes Sir,,,,, "Same price" :loveme:

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,

Tubes entering different parts of my body,

Wires monitoring every function, :eek!:

There was a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

I heard her say,

'You may-not feel anything from the waist down.'

However I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?' .. o:D

Annual Christmas Party . . .

Peter woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding Headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of Him. "Mary," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse" she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete a Fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the chairman of the company, right to his face".

"He's an @rsehole Peter said. "I could piss on him".

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you!" :eek!:

"Well, fck him" said Peter.

"I did" said Mary. :gh:

"That's why you're back at work on Monday" o:D

What do you call a short person, who just escaped prison, and communicates with ghosts?

A small medium at large

. A young girl from Donegal left home to find work in the bright lights of London. She came home 6 months later and stepped out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," said her mother, "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replied, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London." :eat:

When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she came back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

With the usual exchange with mum............"Won it at bingo!" ;)

Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She handed her mother £1,000 and explained that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asked mum to run her a bath as she needed to freshen up.

Her mum ran the bath while Colleen got undressed but when she got to the bathroom, there was only a quarter of an inch of hot water in the bath.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mum being so mean with the hot water after being handed £1,000, called downstairs,
"Mum! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter of an inch of water in here!"

"Indeed there is, me darlin" replied her mum, "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card soggy now, do we?" :-O

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
Well......you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a
new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,
which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark
haired boy with the same name had been in my
secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret
crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded
any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply
lined face was far too old to have been my
classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked
him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit, bastard asked..

'what subject did you teach '? :D

o:Do:Do:D

That made me laugh.....:t:

Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres .......

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!