BREAKING NEWS:

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.


o:Do:D

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said,
"Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked,
"Where's Belle?" :eek!:

The little girl said,
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." ... o:D

My mates wife has just fucked off and left him, took the Satellite Dish and all the Bob Marley Cds, poor sod.


































No women, No sky


I'll get my coat...3:-)

I walked into the porn shop this morning and said,
"Three of your filthiest porn DVD's please my good man." :smoke:

He said,
"Have you got anything in mind?" |<|

I said,

"Yes, I'm going to have a wank." :-O

Love story
 

Robert, 85 years old, married Jane, a lovely 25 year old.:news:

Now since her new husband is so .. "Dam Old" !!
Jane decides that after their wedding, she and Robert should have
separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her (NEW), but aged
husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities, Jane prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes.
The door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for
action.
"They unite as one"!!
All goes well, Robert takes leave of his NEW Bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jane hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Robert !! Again he is ready for more "ACTION"!!!

Somewhat surprised, Jane consents for more coupling.
When the newly
weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and
leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, "but then, Aha"!!!
You guessed it, Robert is back again.
Rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old Man, ready for more "ACTION"!!

And, once more they enjoy each other.
However as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him.
"I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age, you can perform so well and so often?
I have been with guys less than a third (1/3) of your age who were
only good once.
"You are truly a great lover, Robert"!!

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jane and says:
"You mean I was here already"??? |<|

~ The moral of this story, ~

Don't be afraid of getting old ... Alzheimer's has its advantages !! :king:


PS. Have I sent this to you already ??? 3:-)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'


'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?


'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact,there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch. 3:-)

Great wedding last week .. I made the wedding photos . https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713 .. :king:

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."


WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence

HUSBAND: "Shit." |8.|

Divorce custody
 

THE LEGAL SYSTEM

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the
custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:


"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?".. :D



DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!! o:D

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" :brains:


"Well, I could drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,,, but on Fridays, I go fishing." :hippy:



.... 8-P