Brilliant o:D

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Yep, brings back memories of school B (:

o:Do:D.......:brains:

How do you make 5 old ladies swear out loud???






























































Get one to shout 'BINGO'

!!!

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer..
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
'Was she pretty?'















'Dunno...Never found the head!

Soooo funny !
 

I thought you guys and gals might like this ...soooo funny !!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSaWW9vuow





8-P

POKER CRUISE with Ladbrokes ..
 

A few moths ago I wrote around 20 blogs or stories for SkyPoker, and with satellites for the new Cruise Tournament in 2011 on Ladbrokes, ...well this is a story of the Ladbrokes Cruise back in 2006 .....

"In Search of Finian's Rainbow, and the Philosophers Stone" !

A time for reflection to meditate and doze, is when I lug bin-bags of dirty knickers around to the laundrette for it's fortnightly wash and settle in for the Sunday afternoon. The laundrette is a place of pleasure for doing bug ger all whilst still sorting your life out and laughing to yourself about the past. It's a virtuous inactivity, it washes you whiter-than-white.

Games abound too, like watching the tumble of a green sock as it gallivants on its fortnightly vacation away from your feet. Or you can eavesdrop on the squabbles of couples who have resolved to do all their domestic chores together.
There is also the chance to work your karma by being absurdly nice to the cackling biddies who do the service wash. I become the perfect gentleman, laugh at their jokes and make saucy comments about corned beef thighs and @rses like two badly parked VW Beetles.
And if this is too much , I can still immerse myself in the mantra of the machines, as the water thrashes about like an ocean spray with what appear to be flying fish but is actually my underwear.

It is just at this moment when I find myself back on a cruise ship sailing out of Miami, heading for the Caribbean and the Virgin Islands to play Poker in what would be the biggest prize I had played for, a tournament for..$250,000 to the winner.....

The journey out, the flight over the Atlantic above the cloud ceiling, also leaving my passport on the coach from the airport to the key-side and trying to board the ship without it !!(sigh) The memories come flooding back , frantic calls to the bus station and then the lady driver getting the passport back to me 30 mins before the ship would have left.

As I was boarding, some late stragglers were coming up the gangway including a few of the American dealers who had been hired for the job in the card room. One (a lady in her late thirties or early forties i'd guess) said to me in a deep southern accent,
" Oh man I like your T-shirt, I surely would love to take that back home with me"
I told her I had brought it in Paris on a previous poker trip but maybe we could talk about it at the end of the holiday.

As the ship moved out from Miami Keys, on-board was a welcoming party for all the players, it was like a 'who's who' in the poker world.
I met up with old pal's 'Paul Harrison' and 'Roy boy 'Brindley' we laughed about the previous year in Barcelona and our greyhound days,, jeez that guy...does like a social drink, wouldn't let me buy a round !! Jeff 'j affa cake' Kimber, Paul 'action jake' Jackson, Dave Devil fish, Andy'greekfish' and so many others, including Norman Pace (such a nice man) I think he still owes me half a Guinness though ? Along with others was James Browning who i had a long chat with on the top deck later in the voyage, and I'm still not sure but I swear it was Richard Orford in one of the ring games ??

Anyways it was the early hours before I got to bed, I blamed Roy for that the next morning as I went to the card room to play the first day of the big tournament.....

Once I got myself seated, I found myself opposite Mark Goodwin ( he can talk for England) and then looked around to find it was my dealer friend the lady I had met as we boarded.
"Why hello Mr T-Shirt" she said while shuffling the cards.
'Oh it's you", "Debbie from Dallas is it ?" as i smiled for a reaction !o:D
"Hmm No, Allie actually, but I have seen the film thank you very much !!"
"My names Benny Allie , were going to get on fine, you and me'
Everyone on our table had a smile as the tournament director called for the dealers to shuffle up and deal. As I looked around I noticed all the dealers were wearing the same polo tops all in black and embossed on the back in big red letters the word 'Dealer" !!
The game had been going only around 15 mins when I said to Allie,
"Tell you what, I'll swap that Paris T-shirt for your Dealer Shirt "
"Oh man, really ? ..... it's a deal", she replied.
We smiled and at this point I hadn't played a hand but that was all about to change.

Now as anyone will tell you, my way of playing this game is 'loose and looser', depending on my alcohol intake but in this instance I was running on the previous nights fumes and I was on the Big Blinds and looked down after there had been a raise in early position, everyone else had passed .. I found KK ... ... I looked up to see my aggressor looking at me for some action.... I looked to the dealer Allie, and said,
"Allie, hows ya love life in this kind of job" ...bewildered looks, raised eyebrow, and squiggled up nose then a smile she said.
"infrequent" !
"Oh really,' I replied, "and would that be one word or two' ?
I looked back to my cards with a smile..
Allie replied.
"Benny the raise is to you,' and with a smile said,
' NO its not two words !!' :'D
"hmmm yes I know it's my bet, Ill re-raise' . . . 'All-In' !!!!!
The aggressor looked up, as did the whole table even Mark stopped talking to see what was going to happen !! .......
The aggressor look back to his cards thinking , and then decided to call, turning over QQ. We both stood up as often the way with two players being All-in ...
I turned to Allie and said,
"No miracles now !!' .. the flop was blanks ... the turn a blank ..
the river card , the Queen of hearts !!!
I shook my head, smiled at Allie saying'
"your T-shirt young lady, is in room 425 !! I wished everyone at the table good luck as I walked to the door and out on to the sun deck. I looked out over the Atlantic Ocean, my head was spinning , I bit into the bent knuckle of my forefinger !! "Aaaggghhh"

I looked up, the sky was covered in this huge rainbow, when an American voice coming from over my shoulder said.
"Isn't that beautiful" ? I looked to see it was one of the American male dealers out for a smoke break.
"Oh bloody marvelous that is", I commented, ' like ive travel eight thousand miles over here to play one hand of poker dealt by your mate Allie, and to see some bloody Finian's Rainbow!"
"Oh Allie must have dealt you a bummer back there, I'm sorry she's not that reliable when it comes to dealing but I think she might make it up to you later, my names Tom by the way"!
I looked around and with a wry smile and replied.
" Look Tom your a nice guy and Allie looks a lovely lady but right now I don't need to have my head bang ed on some 'Philosophers Stone' by someone who thinks 'Finian's Rainbow' is for real"

After sitting on the top deck soaking in a open Jacuzzi and sunbathing with several large vodka 'Moscow Mulls' all afternoon I went back to my cabin to get showered and changed for a night in the bars ... suddenly there was a knock on the cabin door......with just a towel wrapped around me i opened the door ...
"Ughhhhh" my mouth dropped as this vision in blue was standing there !!:eek!:



It was Allie, looking for all the world a movie star........
"Hi Benny, Tom told me you took that bad-beat a bit hard so as I'm off duty for the night I thought we could go to the karaoke and have some fun ?"
I looked her up and down and smiled .. It was the blue high heel shoes that did it for me...
"Come in Allie, give me 30seconds to get ready we are going to a 'rock'n'roll' party and you can be the Queen of hearts" !!
We walked down the corridor arm in arm to the dance floor, Dave Devilfish was on the microphone singing an Elvis song, 'Jealous Minds', good he was to !
Me and Allie chatted about greyhounds and puppies and her life in Vegas, danced and drank till the early hours.. ... One thing that Tom was right about, was that Allie was the Queen of hearts.

Well over that next ten days I'd forgot about the tournament played in some un-real cash games and broke even on the trip. Allie and I exchanged T-shirts before we said goodbye, and even today I sometimes wear it to a Live poker event, just to remind me of the dealer who dealt the 'Queen of hearts' !!

I remember the night flight home across the Bermuda Triangle as the plane went around a storm , the bumps and buffeting as if someone or something was trying to shake the................................

"Oi Oi Hey Benny wake up !!" "Wake Up" !!!! ..Someone was shaking my shoulder !!
"We are closing now .. we've finished your wash and we are closing up now, time to go home", "you've been talking in your sleep about blue high heeled shoes and greyhounds ?"
I looked up to see as the two cackling biddies were walking to the door, my washing was neatly folded in the two bin liners. I smiled and said,
"Oh, thank you I wasn't asleep, just resting my eyes and reflecting on a time,
when I nearly found 'Finian's Rainbow' .... at a poker game. !!

Benny ;/

Speaking Womaneese
 

HOW TO SPEAK "WOMANEESE"!!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish --- 49
Adventurous --- Slept with everyone
Athletic --- no t its
Average Looking --- Ugly
Beautiful --- Pathological liar
Contagious smile --- Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure --- On Medication
Feminist --- Fat
Free Spirit --- Junkie
Fun Person --- Annoying
New Age --- Body Hair in the Wrong places
Open - minded --- Desperate
Outgoing --- Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate --- Sloppy Drunk
Professional --- B itch
Large Framed --- Very Fat
Voluptuous --- Hugely Fat
Looking for Soul mate --- Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes --- No
2. No --- Yes
3. Maybe --- No
4. We need --- I want
5. I am sorry --- You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk --- You're in trouble
7. Sure OK go ahead --- You better not
8. Do what you want --- You'll pay for it later
9. I am not upset --- You better believe I'm upset
10. You're very attentive --- Is s ex all you ever think about

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am Hungry --- I am Hungry
2. I am Sleepy --- I am Sleepy
3. I am Tired --- I am Tired
4. Nice Dress --- Nice Cleavage !
5. I Love you --- Let's have s ex now
6. I am Bored --- Do you want to have s ex now.
7. May I have this dance --- I'd like to have s ex with you
8. Can I have you number --- I'd like to have s ex with you
9. Want to go to a movie --- I'd like to have s ex with you
10. Can I take you to dinner --- I'd like to have s ex with you
11. Can I walk you home --- I'd like to have s ex with you

AND FINALLY

Scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending
on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For Example

When women are ovulating she will prefer rugged masculine type
However when she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in petrol
set on fire with scissors stuck in one eye and cricket stump shoved up your harris :eek!:

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)







I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress,



and I have been married for 20+ years.







We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by



greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.



We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.







Here's how it all went.







My engaged friend:



The other night when my boyfriend came over he



found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.



He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.



I love you..' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.







The mistress:



Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was



wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and



mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,



but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.







Then I had to share my story:



When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,



black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.



When he came in the door and saw me he said,














"What's for dinner, Batman ?" 3:-)

:flowers:

Defiance

http://i48.tinypic.com/ebe840.jpg

haahaha luv it:clap:

Onwards and Upwards for Henry Cecil
 

CECIL RELISHING THE CHALLENGE


Epsom Oaks: Timepiece 14/1

Henry Cecil is brimming with optimism ahead of the 2010 Flat season, which he approaches with his strongest team for years.

The Warren Place trainer will be aiming to build on an excellent 2009 campaign that yielded over 60 winners, three at Group One level.

It is all a far cry from just five years ago when Cecil's dwindling string recorded just 12 victories and many were predicting an imminent end to the 10-time champion trainer's career.

He said: "We have around 120 horses which is a nice number. I feel the quality is better than we have had for five or six years so with a bit of luck we should be able to be competitive in some of the better races."

Cecil will no doubt be looking forward to campaigning Midday, who did so much to boost the fortunes of the yard last year.

The daughter of Oasis Dream, successful in the Group One Nassau Stakes at Goodwood and at the Breeders' Cup, remains in training as a four-year old.

Classic glory just eluded her last year when she went down by only a head to Sariska in the Oaks. But with both horses back for 2010, there is the prospect of a mouth-watering rematch.

Cecil said: "Midday has wintered particularly well and will hopefully be a live contender for the major fillies' middle-distance races.

"I would very much like to see her clash with Sariska again over a mile and a half on good ground. I wouldn't take her on on soft ground but it would be great for the sport if they could renew their rivalry on decent ground."

Midday starred in the colours of Khalid Abdulla, who also enjoyed Group One success with the Cecil-trained Twice Over last year.

And this Saturday will see the strapping son of Observatory begin his five-year old campaign in the Dubai World Cup.

Cecil said: "So far all has gone to plan and I am very pleased with him. Even though he is five this year he seems to be stronger and more mature and hopefully he should have a good chance.

"After Dubai we'll give him a rest as he had a hard season last year and has been on the go most of the winter. We may get him ready for the Prince of Wales' at Royal Ascot, a race he ran well in last year."

Lord Shanakill, a Group One winner in France last year, is a new and exciting recruit to the string.

Cecil is still getting to know the son of Speightstown but likes what he has seen so far.

He said: "Lord Shanakill has done well. We are feeling our way with him a bit but I think that seven furlongs or an easy mile will be his ideal trip.

"Looking back on his races from last year I didn't think he stayed a stiff mile so perhaps we may look at a race like the Lockinge at Newbury for him."

As has been the case so often over the past four decades, the three-year-old fillies' department looks to be a strong one for Cecil.

He still has five entered in the 1000 Guineas and Kithonia, Principal Role and Timepiece all feature in the betting for the Oaks.

He said: "We have a number of nice three-year-old fillies but it is early days regarding the Classics. The likes of Kithonia, Timepiece, Principal Role, Aviate and Jacqueline Quest should keep us in the winner's enclosure though.

"The first three I mentioned have all done nothing wrong and have stamina in their pedigrees. They should hopefully stay a mile and a half.

"Aviate has a lot more speed in her pedigree and may get a mile to a mile and a quarter. We'll think about the trials for these fillies but they'll tell us when they're ready."

As for the three-year-old colts, he added: "I have some nice ones but I'm not sure yet whether they'll be up to Classic class.

"Bullet Train has done nothing wrong and neither has Rigidity so we'll see. I also like Corporal Maddox, Out of Eden and Honest Strike who are all worth keeping an eye on."

If there is one at this stage that may be aimed at loftier heights it is Rodrigo de Torres. He joined the Cecil stable late last summer and showed sufficient promise to warrant optimism for the future when fourth in the highly-competitive Houghton Stakes at Newmarket.

Cecil said of the son of Bahamian Bounty: "I would hope that Rodrigo de Torres can be Group class. He has shown plenty of speed and may start off in something like the Greenham, although I'm not sure he'd get a mile in the Guineas."

Another positive for Warren Place was that Cecil was busy at the yearling sales last autumn. As a result he has a team of around 55 juveniles, many with pedigrees to set pulses racing.

He said: "We were much more active at the yearling sales last autumn and have some nice two-year-olds.

"It is too early to pick out all the horses with potential as they will change a lot as they grow and learn.

"Of the colts I do like two by Empire Maker, one out of Reams of Verse (winner of the 1997 Oaks for Cecil) and one out of Valentine Band and also a Dansili out of Shirley Valentine.

"Of the fillies I have been taken by a full-sister to Passage Of Time by Dansili. Most of our juveniles are not bred to be early types so should come to hand for the second half of the season."

The current positive mood at Warren Place is a world away from the atmosphere that surrounded the decline through earlier years of the millennium when numbers were down and winners comparatively few and far between.

Cecil reflected: "We were down to between 30 and 40 horses. I said to myself that I needed to pull myself together, I had my back against the wall and it was a challenge to get out. It drove me to get back to where I wanted."

The Cecil revival, one of the most uplifting stories in recent Flat racing times, is even more remarkable as the 67-year old has been undergoing treatment for stomach cancer in recent years.

A born fighter with a ceaseless appetite for success, Cecil still retains an unquenchable enthusiasm for top-level racing - and never so more than on the eve of a new season.

He said: "This time of year is very exciting as you begin to do more work with them. Training is a way of life and I love the challenge." :clap:

Ive always liked Henry top trainer , genuine geezerB (:

Back to the Future
 

Ante-Post bet today (Saturday) starting with a runner in the 5 45 at Ripon:cool:

8/1 Eye Onthe Storm ...Greyhound Derby

2/1 King Of Wands ..5:45 Ripon .................................................. ............... 1st (oyi oyi)

10/1 Canford Cliffs .. Stan James 2000 Guineas (Newmarket)

10/1 Dick Turpin... Irish 2000 Guineas

e/w yankeeB (:

Were Off and Running
 

So, "King of Wands" :clap: has started the ante-post e/w yankee off and running :loveme:... come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno:D

Oh Nancy !!
 

JOHN HINCKLEY/NANCY REAGAN.......................
Nancy, the ultimate Real Lady We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind he loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan


My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.
You might want to look into that !!
o:DOh Nancy

:eek!::eek!::eek!:o:D

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.


The man replied,

'Well your Honour, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'




'CASE DISMISSED

!!'

:clap: Haha

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: :h?:










Always keep your condoms in your car. :'D
.
.
.
.

Good one o:D

Not sure if I've posted before but ...
 

.... But that good oldie "The Streak" Ray Stevens !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KHOeVeCbFA

still funny after all this time !!

Good ol Rock n Roll !
 

Ok but I like it !!:clap:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1_JJiaAwqk


8-P

God and the Biker ...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God
said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God,
I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and
how I can make a woman truly happy. :h?:








God replied:



'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" o:D

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,
She said,
'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?' 8-P



'Here it comes.':eek!:

Attention .. ?
 

Now no names mentioned BUT,

Tomorrow is the 10th annual 'blow job' contest' and we ask that you stay at home ,

so that a girl can win it this time :eek!:








Thanks CHAMP !! :loveme:

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London for Sydney.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take off a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
get a coke.'
' Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat
in it. When the rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other
Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours,

"Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This, where you are spitting in our shoes :h?:







and us .....













..............Keep pissing in your cokes?" B (:






......

Lol benny o:D

A woman on her deathbed called her husband to her side and asked him to open a box under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash .:eek!:
"Whats the eggs for ?" Asks the husband.....
She replied,
"every time we had 'crap' sex, I would put an egg in the box ...
"Not bad", says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years" ...... "and the cash?" he asks....

The wife looked up and said,

"Every time I got a dozen I sold them" !!:'D

Scottish eating habits ?
 

Scots dont eat 'deep fried mars bars' !!

They eat pasta and 'Dolmio'o:D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYcQ-iU5GbE


8-P

You can be a Man !!
 

The husband just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

So up he got and stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife ,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law'.
'You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert'.
'After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want'.

'Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax'.
'You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe'...
'Then, you will massage my feet and hands'.!!!

'Then tomorrow,,,, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair' ??


Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,:brains:






'The f*ckin' funeral director would be a good guess.':'D




PRICELESS !!!o:D

Getting ya Knickers in a Twist
 

o:D



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PQitC-z73o

:loveme:

Are we silver surfers
 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

ID10T :eek!:




I used to like Eric, the little bastard . . .o:D

Global Facts About Sex o:D



At Any Given Moment: ..
FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!



FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.



FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.



FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails. :eek!:











You hang in there, Sunshine ....... 8-P

Anyone going flying soon ?
 

Airline Announcements



United Flight Attendant announced,
'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


*************************************



On landing, the stewardess said,
'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '


*************************************



'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'


*************************************



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.


She said,
'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'


'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'


The little old lady said,

'Did we land, or were we shot down?'


***************************************






After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'


*************************************



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


*************************************



Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'


***********************************



'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


***********************************



'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'


******************************************



Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'


****************************************



After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'


****************************************



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'


****************************************



Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'


****************************************



A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, njava-script from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


A passenger in Economy yelled,

'That's nothing. You should see the arse of mine!':'D

Jeez , This is Spooky American History
 

True Fact ..

History Mystery:eek!:


Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.



Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.


John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.



Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. :h?:

Renewing a passport
 

This complaint received by the Passport Office.:scribe:


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back
in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for
the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those
stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable
census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-*******-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I
die!!!!!!


I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an'
me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my ******* address !!!!



What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal ********s
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please
tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in
the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd
want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy
city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of
£30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd
rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our
heads cut off, then have to find some ******** to confirm that it's
really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776 ......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me
to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ..........
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN ******* PAKISTAN !

Sincerely,

A pause for thought !!
 

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20

minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.


The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all we say. o:D

The Innocence of youth !
 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,




'Is that Fanny Green?':eek!:


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,




'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'. o:D


...