A husband who has been off work for over a month with a bad back and is stretched out on the settee, legs and feet spread out watching the TV and reading his paper .

His wife is busy running around doing the house work when she trips over his out stretched legs !!
'Oh for goodness sake' she cried, 'get yourself out from under my feet and get down to the doctors about your back pain, or go back to work' !!

'Ok , Ok , Ok' he replies, and off he goes down to the doctors.

Down at the surgery the doctor asks him a few question about the back pain, then askes him to take off his trousers and bend over as far as he can

The man looks at the doctor but carries on and does as he was asked.
The doctor askes, 'do you feel any pain in your back as you bend'?
But before the man can reply the doctor bursts out laughing as he's looking at the mans back end

The man quickly stands up and says,
'Hey, what's so funny, I didn't come here to be laughed at ??'

'I'm sorry' says the doctor still laughing, hahaha, but I've never seen such brown balls in all my life !!'

The man says,
'Doctor, I came here for something for my back pain, not for your to kill yourself laughing at my testicles'

'Yes', said the doctor, 'I'm sorry but you do have very brown balls, i'll give you a prescription for some back pain tablets and a note for another week off work' ..

Back home and the man goes back onto the settee where his wife askes,
'How did you get on ?? '
'The doctor gave me some pills for my back pain and a sick note for another week off work', he replied .

The wife looked at him and replied,
'Oh for goodness sake, I can't have you under my feet another week, I run around here doing all the washing, ironing and cooking, get the kids washed and bathed ready for school, feed the dog and no help from you, and you'll still expect sex every other night' , 'God I don't have time to wipe my arse these days' !!

'Oh yes ' said the husband, 'And the 'Doc' said that's another thing I need to talk to you about' 3:-)

Ethel
 

WHY ETHEL HAD TO CHANGE HER HOTEL

Last week, Ethel checked in to a hotel on her 70th birthday and she was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony |8.|…
a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photograph.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in,
Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to cometo my motel room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night… tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?"

He said... "That sounds absolutely fantastic,... ;)

"But you need to press 9 for an outside line." o:D

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"


The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." :eek!:

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."



The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!" :'D

After hot passionate sex last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said,

“You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had” ;)



Apparently,

... “Ditto” .. is not the right response!!. :eek!: ...... o:D

Snotty Doctors Receptionist…

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS. :'D

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!! :D

Without a doubt, you know the story about Eric Garner and the New York police who put him in a choke-hold that resulted in his saying, repeatedly,
"I can't breathe...I can't breathe."

Well, I just now learned of another, similar incident that occurred recently. As far as I know, it did NOT result in death, but there are enough similarities that

I thought you'd be interested. :'D

What a way to go

Subject: As I get older...........


(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. ;)


(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.


(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.


(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


(7) I'm older and wiser now, and I'm just looking for a girl with big tits . :'D


YES, GETTING OLDER :t:

This new car looks good to me > https://youtu.be/vUKolh8Q9hA.. :'D

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods
 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and
says, "How’s the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How’s the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I
think I’ve got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I’ve been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you can’t see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards
his voice."

Tiger asks, "What’s your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I’m a scratch golfer."

Tiger Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We'’ve got to play a round sometime."

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Tiger Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I’m game for that, - when would you
like to play?"


Stevie says, "Pick a night...." ... |:D|