Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'o:D

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied,

'and do you know what? We didn't see a single @rsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wan ker anywhere we went today!'


Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?:'D

Now this is funny !!
 

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove
their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the
chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.:eek!:

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead:'D



o:D

Crimestoppers !
 

There's a gang of American criminals operating in your area.
They've been observed dumping pensioners in bins.:eek!:

Answer to the names of Top-cat , :king: Bennyo:D and Boo boo.:girl:
If you have any info call crimestoppers,

or Officer Dibble:cool: in the incident room !!

Seamus and Bessie ?
 

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry and was sueing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

Seamus

'Well , I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow Bessie into the sidecar of me motorbike...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details , just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine !" ?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar of me motorbike and I was driving down the road.....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour , I am trying to establish the fact that , at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying , I had just loaded Bessie , my favourite cow , into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like and didn't want to move. However , I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition , he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road , gun still in hand , looked me up and down , and said
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the F*** would you have said'?

:loveme:

Dont phone the Vet ?
 

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?" :h?:



"Well" the vet replied,


IT JUST BLOODY WELL WORKED ON ME !!!!!!". :eek!:

sex at 73
 

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,

informing me that I can have sex at 73!


I'm sooooo happy, :loveme: because I live at number 67.....








and..








It's not far to walk home afterwards! 3:-)

3:-)

The Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away.. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!"
The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated,
'The Magic Penis' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said,
'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said,
'Magic Penis, the door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. :eek!:
Then the man said,
'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days,
The Wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said,
'Magic Penis, my crotch.' :'D
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital. :eek!:

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said,
'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,, now I've heard them all Maam,
Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!' :eek!:






The rest, as they say, is history........:loveme:.

Love the joke s benny especially the Irish one would Seamus

:clap::clap::clap:

o:Do:D Nice one benny.:eek!:

Indian Chief "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes,
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water, women did all the
work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all
night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that."

lol
 

Yes PT, if only :loveme: hahaa .. nice one

One of my Idols .. Peter O'Toole
 

Back in the late 90's I went to see a show 'Jeffery Bernard Is Unwell' in the West End London..
(Now you see where I got the idea for this thread)....... anyways the star of the show at that time was Peter O'Toole and to this day it is the funniest show i have seen ..
Hopefully this 'clip' will show what i mean ...
Also the 'next' part of the video shows Peter O'Toole in interview in America first part is around 8 mins ,the interview is around 16 mins...

enjoy > www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=77138945088
B (:

The Sensitivity of Seniors
 

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.


Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could now tell her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna

lol
 

o:D nice one PT :clap:

Tribute To Tommy Cooper
 

:loveme:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUemBoHH4uk :'D

Guy finishes work, gets home and sits down and says to his wife,
"get me a beer before it starts" !! So she gets it and he drinks it, he then says,
"get me another before it starts"!! So again she gets another. He drinks that then says,
"quick get me another before it starts" !! The wife then says,
"listen here you fat lazy 'bassa' don't just come in here, sit down and start barking your fcking orders" !!:C

So the husband says,

"Fck me it's started"!! 8-P

What's Your Favouite Film !!
 

I know before you take this test what you favourite all time film is !!:h?:

This mathematics test can predict your all-time most-watched film.



It's easy and really works:




Pick a number from 1 - 9.


Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply that by 3.

[]



Add those two digits together.

Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.

Your number is:






1. Gone With the Wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Dances with Wolves.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Doctor Zhivago.

9. The Joy of An*l Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

8-P o:D :'D

lol o:D

Thank God it isn't Mary Poppins :h?:

The Spoon ..
 

The spoon


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve 's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly,
'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'






'Well,' he whispered,

'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
:'D

The Real Buddy Holly Story ..
 

..This brought back some memories, well worth a view, documentary in 10 parts ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSDMRjBjKIg

The Real Buddy Holly Story 1 of 10


The complete, video biography of rock 'n' roll legend Buddy Holly, produced and hosted by Paul McCartney. This entertaining and enlightening show is the most definitive biography of Buddy Holly ever assembled, featuring interviews with members of The Crickets and many of Buddy Holly's family and friends .. :loveme:

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.


One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis.


So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied: "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild,

and,









I'm too old to squat." :eek!:

Bring in the New Year
 

One in the white trousers lol
TT 2
www.youtube.com



ohhh fck it dont work (sorry peeps)
8-P

A few funnies!
 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary


Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Hows it going guys I was bored last night and went into this thread and some very entertaining joke s I must say. So this is were you hide out guys lol don't worry Benny i wont spam this thread with losing tips, and i wont tell anyone about it ha ha.

And here is me thinking a few weeks back this thing about bennys unwell i thought you were really sick you joker.

Anyway i know youre a polite guy we all need a place to let off steam.

Talk soon.B (:

lol
 

John .. We all have a skeleton in a cupboard somewhere, this is my cupboard you might say, It all came from when I went to the theatre to see, Peter O'Toole in 'Geoffrey Bernard Is Unwell' o:D He's was a racing journalist for the Weekender and Sporting Life back in the days of Lester Piggott and Co (70-80's) He had some fantastic stories, loved a drink but sadly no longer here .....
Peter O'Toole in the show > www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=77138945088

I had a look at the link Benny I get what you mean now hes a funny guy I must admit i hadnt heard of him before its obviously a video from a while ago. I suppose we need more comedians and comics like him about in todays times.
Yeah get a bit sick of the doom and gloom of current affairs.

Talk soon Benny

John.:clap:

John and others
 

Hers a link, take you to the whole series 7, it was back in1981 when this started in the USA .. I loved this then and still today I take a peep back in time to when this to me was the best TV series ever ...

Hill Street Blues (couple of adds first but this cracks me up):cool:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUXajZK6eCE

Oh eck ..
 

Kate Middleton ask's the Queen for advice for a long and successfull marriage ...
Her Majesty replied........

"Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off" !!:eek!:

Channel 4 online
 

http://www.livestation.com/channels

Thanks tiredeyes for this link o:D

In my mail today ..
 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said,
'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. :eek!:

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age. o:D

Boys lol
 

Italian Boy in confession :h?:

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration.
‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’ :'D

The Recession !!
 

The Recession hits everybody.....
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,
I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal,

they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.:eek!:

cant send what i wanted to (sigh)

The Dragnet Poker Story
 

Poker, the true life story of 'Taylormade' (Andy) ..
Our hero of the turf, gladiator of the colosseum, tells us in an interview with 'Mystical' (Lisa) how he cleans up at the Poker tables ..

>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeBpedHWCgQ

>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQHUcE9voWY

The story is true, the names are fictious to protect the innocent .. :eek!:

Fame at last, funnily enough I know someone JUST like this :) xxx::'D

You must of had the cam-corder out at my house the other week,had me in stitches benny,the girlfriend wanted to go to new york this year,[last year I had boys week in new york/vegas]-[[week in bahrain]she went to see a show in london with her pals. I said we couldnt afford it this year,unless I won something at cheltenham. I havent told her about wednesday yet,its killing me keeping quiet,but im not sure if I want to go with her for a week away, gl