The Tax Man
 

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."





"That’s disgraceful" said the inspector,:eek!:
"I need to interview the half-wit."












"That’ll be me then," said Paddy. o:D

Marvelous , Flights for 50p !!
 

Cheap flights . book here..
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM

:loveme:

Viagra
 

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't
you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked,
"What happened to you?":eek!:

The man said,

"No one showed up" !!:gh:


..

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:�


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

:'D

The greatest of them all is from Brian Johnston, the cricketing great:-

The bowlers Holding the batsman Willey :eek!:

I remember why I stopped playing much poker after this vid.
Im sure this will look familiar. Should give it a language warning first 18. o:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ilzn...layer_embedded

lol oh mate !
 

I think he's jinxed :'D bit like me at the moment :loveme:

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."




"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug" !!!

" Do you want a bed near the window?" :eek!:





ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? 8-P

Larry Is In The Hospital :eek!:


Who in the hell is Larry? :h?:


Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"


"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.


"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." o:D






Larry is in the Hospital, room 233. 8-P

LOL o:D

Some people !!
 

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dikheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! :h?:


What a pair of sexist twats. :C





I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fcking thing! |8.|


8-P

You wont be see this coming !!
 

How shocked was I when i first listened to these guys, :eek!: .. amazed doesn't even come close ..

Absolutely brilliant :clap::clap::clap:

http://www.interscope.com/artist/pla...=6314&aid=1200

:loveme:

The hillbilly vasectomy
 

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.':eek!:

The Alabamian said to the doctor,
'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.':h?:

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can, he then held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'


( you'll love this...) o:D





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. :gh:


This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri ,West Virginia ,and ...
All of Washington DC . :loveme:

Irish christening
 

IRISH CHRISTENING

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies,
'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth,and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them' !

The woman thinks to herself,
' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ':eek!:...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved,
'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise ' :loveme:

Then she asks,
' What's the boy's name?'




(wait for it)




The doctor replies,

' Denephew ' !! o:D



8-P

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable ...

I thought to myself





'that guy's heading for a breakdown' !! |>|

Advice for an Old Guy...
 

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym
when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress
that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said;

"I would try the ATM in the lobby"....... :'D

Girls night out !!
 

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said
'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said,
'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!! :eek!:

:loveme:

Sick joke !!
 

Oh BRITAIN, where did we go wrong?

We're "broke" and can't help our own seniors, Veterans, Orphans, and Homeless etc.?

Are you aware of the following?


The British Government provides the following financial assistance: -

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER (bearing in mind they worked hard and paid their Income Tax and National Insurance contributions to the British government all their working life) Weekly allowance: £106.00
IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN (No Income Tax and National Insurance contribution whatsoever) Weekly allowance: £250.00


BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly Spouse allowance: £25.00
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly Spouse allowance: £225.00


BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Additional weekly hardship allowance £0.00
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Additional weekly hardship allowance £100.00
A British old age pensioner is no less hard up than an illegal immigrant/refugee yet receives nothing


BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £6,000
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT: £29,900

Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can lobby for a decent state pension.

After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.

Sad isn't it? It’s about time we put our own people first. |8.|


Most people won't have the guts to forward this.

Gotta love the Germans for advertising :))
 

How the Germans do an advert for 'Siemens Washer 269 euro' on the borders of Denmark ..
(thanks Dave, love it) http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard​/trailer2.swf


http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard​/trailer2.swf
www.m2film.dk

Murdoch
 

Murdoch and Brooks withdraw the BSkyeB bid !!

Not to worry, the next project is nearly ready s

see 'pic' below :eek!:

:gh:

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

She has all food prepared for her

She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.

Her meals are provided at no cost to her.

She visits the doctor once a year for her check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.

If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.




I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ....







My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant. :eek!:

Welcome to the madhouse :C Or is it the doghouse :h?:

Plus she can lick her own ..... all day :eek!:

Tony and his computor problems !!
 

Now i know why Tony has trouble with his 'dongle' !!:'D

He goes to the wrong shop ? o:D


http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p0...kberry_sketch/


8-P

ffs
 

It's 5 30 Friday evening right (true story) ... I've just got off the phone asking Bet 365 why like other bookies, (as stated on UK racing) they weren't paying the 4th horse in the 4 50 Goodwood .. I got some snotty kid saying,
"We pay enhanced odds the first three only, thank you for calling Bet365, goodbye" o:D ............... OK Marvelous :-C

So i sit back and think well that was another disastrous day of flat racing, 2 winners but no profit ...
Then i hear the phone ring, just as i'm half way up the stairs for a whizz i was busting, and think , Oh , i bet that's Tony (our Tony that is) or my mate John ....
So I rush back down , pick up the phone (I'm also thinking it could be Bet365 saying as a good will gesture they will pay me the 4th place):'D... anyway I say ,
"Hello, Benny here who's calling ?" ..... (long pause) Hello !!!! ...............(more pause) .. (one more time) .. Hello !!! ..........
Suddenly there's a voice at the other end,
(Foreign asian voice) "elo but but".. elo, i am a wondering if you would be so kind but but, i am doink a sirvey for a consumer companeeeee, and am wonderink if you have some time to spare for me to ask you some questions but but .... ??

I cant remember the exact words I said but the 'mouse' hit the wall, and dog ran out into the back garden :flyaway:....


But I think he and his 'but but' got the message out in India !!:hi:

Something for Taylormade
 

Subject: NUFC abandon sign-a-simpleton policy
In most of these football stories you could substitute in other teams and players but not this one. This could only have been written about the Mags!



Toon boss Alan Pardew fears Newcastle United may be forced to start a season without a recognised idiot in the side for the first time in decades.
“Losing a Grade A fruitcake like Joey Barton so close to the big Premier League kick off is a massive blow,” said Pardew, “and a first for the club in recent years.
“So much of our preparation has been around employing a moron like Barton to shaft our chances left, right and centre, now all that hard work has been undone.”
The St James’s Park outfit has relied on a steady stream of cretins in the team to derail any hopes of silverware since their last trophy win back in 1955.
And club historian Walter Greendale, 87, fears moves to abandon Newcastle’s much-vaunted “sign-a-simpleton policy may have serious consequences for the Tyneside club.
“Newcastle fans turn up to watch their side implode not win trophies,” he said.
“Goals and winning games are all very well for your Manchester Uniteds and Liverpools, but Toon fans prefer to see their players going off the rails in spectacular fashion.
“Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer fighting on the pitch, Barton getting banged up, Craig Bellamy ranting against Shearer … that’s what they’ve come to expect.
“To start playing football could be a disaster. The last time we did that, only the late intervention of a hysterical Kevin Keegan squealing ‘I’d love it’ on TV managed to save us from winning a league title.”
Newcastle fans last night gathered outside St James’s Park calling for club owner Mike Ashley to resign.
“He’s making a mockery of this club,” said Toon fan Tony Superkev Number 9 Smith, 27, of Birtley, “We want our loonies.”
NUFC fan Alan Shearer Shearer Todd, 31, of Gateshead, said: “Ashley did us proud when he brought in barking mad Joe Kinnear as manager, but recently he’s let us down big style.
“Getting rid of home-grown mentalist Andy Carroll has done us no favours. And no sooner does Nile Ranger show traditional brainless Toon prowess, getting pictured in the tabloids brandishing a handgun, than the club put him up for sale.
“This guy has no respect for Newcastle’s decades of dimwittery.”
As The News Grind went to press, Paul Gascoigne was reportedly heading to St James’s Park in his dressing gown armed with a fishing rod and a roast chicken.

:D3:-):D Brilliant :clap:o:D

:bounce:

I was in the public restroom-I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall...
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) :gh: "I'm ok"
Stall: "So, what are you up too"
Me: "Er, same as you, just sitting here"
...Stall: "Can I come over?" :eek!:
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a bit busy right now!!"


Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back there's an idiot in the other stall that keeps answering my questions." :'D

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?' :brains:

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' :eek!:

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, :h?: so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' o:)

Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father. Next!
o:D

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. :eek!:
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

:h?: Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell? "

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." o:D

50th anniversary
 

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked,
"Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said,
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said,
"Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said,
"Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said,
"That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" o:D

He looked her up and down and said,


" Mission Accomplished." :loveme:

Stand up Jim Jefferies , Funny as Fck :'D http://youtu.be/LZJ-_OTvsqo ~~

Oh, warning, dont watch if you dont like to hear the swear word :eek!:
Or, go to church on Sundays B (:

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual routine of 'mother in law' jokes and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well presented blonde woman stands up and says.
"I've had just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a persons hair colour possibly have with their f...undamental worth as a human being?

It's moron's like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential.....because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to the discrimination laws in every civilised country, It is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens.
You should hang your head in shame, You pusillanimous little maggot!" :eek!:

Flustered the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the the blonde yells,


"You stay out of this mister!, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!":loveme:


o:D

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says,
"there you go you miserable sod I'll pay you back monthly!" :eek!:

And the moral of this story is,
:- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!, there will ALWAYS be a string attached!
:'D

Oh dear o:D

The country wife !
 

A Country wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman. :eek!:

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She then put his manhood in a vice and secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered,
"Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...




"Nope ... You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!" :loveme:

Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Benny accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Benny upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. :gh:



Later, Benny went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked,
'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Benny admitted that, well indeed he did.


She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500 ! 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Benny confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Fridays and Benny didn't, Benny should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Benny showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.


Benny quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Benny come by the house this afternoon?'


With a lump in her throat Sue answered,
'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you $500?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied,
'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' :eek!:


Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'


Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player! o:D

Aussie radio !

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney ..
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'.. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. :brains:


One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. o:D


Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.. What is your name? First only please.'


Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.....'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'


Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
(Touch tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'


DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'


Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'


Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'


DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'


Sarah: 'No.'


DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'


Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'


DJ: 'Very good.. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'


DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the arse.....' :eek!: ~~ o:D


They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.. :'D



:loveme:

An old Marine Pilot
 

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!


An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied,
'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said,
'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. :h?:

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"are you a real pilot?"

He replied,


'I always thought I was', ~~~~~ 'but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' :'D