Amazing
 

This is brilliant

I couldn't believe it, check it out. This Website is amazing. They actually have photographs of almost every School in the World.

Unless you went to School when cameras weren't invented, you will find a photo of yourself or at least your classmates.

Click on the link below or type it into your search line. You have to enter the name of your school and Year that you were there.

Give it a go..... They Found Me!


www.worldschoolphotographs.com

you little monkey benny,im a busy guy

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :loveme: o:D:clap:

How's ya luck ?
 

Started a new job today !!


After landing my new job as a B&Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day :eek!:

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities and swearing at them all the way through the entrance. :h?:


As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to B&Q", I then said,
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins" ? The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7",
"Why the hell would you think they're twins"?
"Are you blind, or just stupid" ?
So I replied,
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice" ~~~
"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q" o:D


My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work :'D

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
 

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,


'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.' o:D

Roller coaster ride
 

Oh that didnt work ~~ sorry :((

Asda 'senior greeter'
 

Last Friday I was playing live at my friends poker club TC's in Berks, and got talking to an old service man 'Charley', who asked me how my friend 'ships' was these days living in Newmarket ?
"Oh he's fine, still with the horses, which some might find strange with his background in the merchant Navy, and yourself, how about you", I said ?

Now at this stage we were playing next to each other on the same table, and the 'young guns' were busy giving it the large with the poker verbal while we just smiled ~

Now some of you'll appreciate where this is going as some, but NOT all young people forget that older people had a career before they retired !
So Charley, told me he is a new 'Retiree-greeter' at Asda, however just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a
bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,
"It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
I looked at him and said,
"What did you say then ?"

Old Charley looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, Sir ?'"

:t:







That is now one of my favourite stories, ever! o:D

The Electronic ... (4 Mb);

The United Way (charity)
 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.


The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"


The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that
my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills
that are far beyond her ability to pay?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,
"Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer,
"did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"


The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.


"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident,
leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled
and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says,

"So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them,
what the f ck makes you think I'd give any to you?" :eek!:

8-P

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied,

'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.' :'D

Important NHS Warning !
 

NHS London
Southside
105 Victoria Street
London SW1E 6QT

Tel: 020 7932 3700
January 19, 2012


IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL GENERAL PRACTITIONERS


Stage 3 Notice: possible pandemic in the Christmas period



Recent studies conducted on "delirium tremens" indicate that in certain cases this can be transmitted amongst humans. We are seeing probable contamination in most areas of Hertfordshire, Suffolk and parts of Cambridgeshire and Essex. Cases have also been reported in Hammersmith & Fulham (13), Westminster (12), Hampstead (24), Merton (19), Acton (12) and more recently in Kensington & Chelsea (39).

It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine or beer. Most (97.6%) of the subjects will encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without wine for 1 to 2 days on average.

Extended periods without wine would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.

If any of your patients present with these symptoms, please contact the Crisis Centre in London immediately.

Our research to date has identified only one certain cure: regular consumption of wine at least every 8 hours.

Please bring this document to the attention everyone you believe to be at risk.


:))

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important ...........

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people,

Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said,
"Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

Her reply was,

"Could you jack off?" . "I feel like sh*t this morning." !!

:'D

Office Politics
 

This i found, and is very funny (well i think so anyways) :loveme:

Office Politics ~ Short Film ~ 13 mins, http://youtu.be/84Z5zmjRxww

enjoy 8-P

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities. :brains:

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced,
'The Coopers are having a root!!' :loveme:

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?' :h?:

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!! 8-P


o:D

DIVORCE...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irv." All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,

You get £2,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 holidays a year and

You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 pence?" :eek!:



Now that's a Jewish mother!!! 8-P

Jewish sunbathing
 

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Camps Bay " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate screwing of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?" :h?:

The man replied,









"How did you know my name was Katz?" o:D

A ladies view on multi tasking ?
 

You Never New What Women Do :eek!:

:gh: When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the cubicle doors.



Every cubicle is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It
doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your
pants!


The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum ,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door
hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on
the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume 'The Stance.


In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or
to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance'.


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you
had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet
paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you
have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That
would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.


The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the
toilet.


'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing
your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet
seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you could get.


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that
covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.


The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)


You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why
is your bag hanging around your neck?


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets.
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It
also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to
the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang
onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.


So guys understand, that being a girl is not all that easy! :'D

The old ones are the best !!
 

God Loves Drunk People Too :loveme:


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.





"Over here on the swing," ???? ~ ~ ~ replied the drunk. B (:

Two 'right old geezers' AMATEUR PUB POKER PLAYERS (FRAN and MATT) are seated either side of a table in a pub before their pub game, when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two guys start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

FRAN: - I reckon he's an accountant.

MATT: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

FRAN: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fran and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

FRAN: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

FRAN: - Oh? What's that then?

suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

FRAN: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?

FRAN: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

FRAN: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

FRAN: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

FRAN: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

FRAN: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

FRAN: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

FRAN: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

FRAN: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Fran returns to his mate.

MATT: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

FRAN: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

MATT: - What's that then?

FRAN: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

MATT: - Nope

FRAN: - Well then, you're a wan'ker :'D

o:D

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, Whats your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.:eek!:

The accountant is somewhat shocked and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

The accountant replies, "That still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."



"Chicken farmer it is.." :loveme:

DIVORCE from a womans poit of view !
 

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! :h?:



Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today
and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! :loveme:


Her letter:

Dear Ex-Husband,




Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7years ago..

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning..

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. o:D


So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. :'D




:flowers:

Drinking !
 

I did not know this... :h?:

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.








Apparently, ice is really bad for you. :'D

Warn all your friends. o:D

Baptizing
 

Baptizing a Drunken Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?" :eek!:

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies,
"No, oi haven't found Jesus!" :gh:
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers,
"No, oi haven't found Jesus!" :gh:
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,
"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" :C
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,









"Are you sure this is where he fell in" ? :king:

engineers and managers...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" he replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "You must be in management."

"I am" she replied, "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." ;)

o:D

A man and a woman start to make love in a big dark forest. After about 15 minutes the man gets up and says: "Damn its dark! I wish I had a flashlight".
The woman says: "Yes me too....you've been eating grass for 15 minutes!"

:clap: you'll be alright you o:D

The Wedding Night
 

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". :eek!:

Charles yelled back:
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God,,,, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" o:D

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,


"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: :loveme: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!" :D

Women Are Evil
 

Women Are Evil

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.
She seductively indicated that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands..
"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the barman. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
Forefinger across the barman's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
And allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the barman managed to say.:h?:


"Tell him," she whispered,





"There's no toilet paper, or paper towels in the ladies room." :eek!:


8-P

The Old Ones Are The Best !!
 

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was tufts of hair in the dog's ears. He then cleaned out both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea (the wife) that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said,
"I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said,
"If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied,
"I'm not using it on my legs either". "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist says, :eek!:





"Well, dont have sex and stay off your bicycle for about a week." :'D


:loveme:

"Wiseguys"
 

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa :smoke:

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the money is buried.

Love,
Vinnie :t:


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any money.. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. o:D

Love you,
Vinnie


B (:

Marriage
 

Marriage after 1 year, after 5 years & after 15 years !!!
Click
here > http://www.safeshare.tv/w/fQKuZiFaLA


B (:

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her,
"No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both".

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. !!!

~( '',)~

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote,
"Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him..
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. :h?:
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. o:D




"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1." :loveme:

Amazing Journey !!
 

Click on the link below and put in your postcode ~ very briefly you will see the plane go past your house :loveme:


~ http://taxi.ba.com/ ~


8-P

Bob Hope
 

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference. BOB HOPE :clap:





ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact,I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING


'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER


'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'



His wife Dolores once asked him what funeral arrangements he would like he replied: "Surprise me"
Give me a sense of humor; Lord, give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life. o:D


and to the person receiving this
the grace to pass it on to others.B (:

The Father O'Reilly
 

Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity .:girl:

Afterwards he was asked how it felt :gh:

He said,
"It feels a bit strange but",


















"I think it makes my cock look bigger" !!!:eek!:

:loveme:

:flyaway:

Banks Never Change.. (Just the people) !!
 

... Sometimes to me, a story is worth saving, and in the current climate that has left the UK economy reeling in a 'double dip' recession, it seems governments throughout history are doomed to keep repeating itself :eek!:

..Barings rogue trader Nick Leeson:
'Money is not my motivation'

By Toby Walne | Telegraph
Nick Leeson, the rogue trader who brought down Barings, talks money.

Nick Leeson, 45, is the original rogue trader. He lost £862m betting on the markets in 1995 and brought down Britain's oldest investment bank, 233-year-old Barings He then spent four years in a Singapore jail before being released early with life-threatening cancer.

Liquidators personally chased him for £100m and he was limited to earning less than £3,000 a month to stop them taking a cut. They stopped chasing him in 2005 and he earns about £80,000 a year the majority comes from after-dinner speaking.

He lives near Galway, Ireland (Xetra: A0Q8L3 - news) , with his second wife, Leona, 37, son Mackensey, eight, and stepchildren Alex, 13, and Kersty, 17.

= How did your childhood experiences influence your attitude to money? =

We lived on a council estate in Watford. My father was a plasterer and Mum was a nurse and carer. Money was always tight but I never wanted for anything. We had a rented television that took money but always seemed to have enough coins to watch what we liked. My parents were good, honest, working-class people who believed in only spending what you have. It taught me the true value of money. When you forget about this, problems can occur.

= What was your first job? =

I had a paper round. I was not an entrepreneur but liked to earn my own money. At school I saw a trainee job advertised with Coutts bank and thought why waste time with university when I could earn some cash straight away? I immediately fell in love with the City. It was the Big Bang era and very exciting. By the age of 22 I had been headhunted by Barings and was after new challenges which is how I got to be trading in Singapore.

= Are you a spender or a saver? =

I am not that flash with cash. There is a perception that City boys all drive around in fast cars and enjoy throwing their money around that is not me. When I was working abroad I also preferred the company of locals rather than hanging out with the expats. I am not that materialistic and drive a Vauxhall Astra.

= How did you gamble away Britain's oldest merchant bank? =

I make no excuses about what I did it was wrong and I feel remorse. But I am no crook and was just trying to put things right. It had started when I tried to cover for a junior colleague who lost £20,000 on the trading floor. The bets were not for personal gain. I was given too much freedom to play with too much money it should not have been allowed. I was not the gambling "barrow boy" portrayed in the media but someone who wanted to stay in control.

= What lessons has the industry learnt from the downfall of Barings? =

Barings was to have provided a wake-up call for the banks but it obviously failed although regulations have tightened up.

The central bank and regulatory authority could still do a much better job. The Financial Services Authority employs far too many staff and has lost its way by getting too bloated and bureaucratic. With a leaner, more focused outfit it could afford to pay enough to attract more talented staff who prefer to be employed on the trading floor. There needs to be scrutiny of the industry before things go wrong rather than reaction after the event.

= Does money make you happy? =

I had a lot of time to think about this during four and a half years at the notorious Changi prison in Singapore. It was a tough place to survive in as the only Caucasian and being surrounded by a tough gang culture. During my time in prison I found I had life-threatening cancer and my first wife also left me. There were many hours to reflect on who I was and how I had arrived at this situation. Money has never been my motivation. It is family that makes me happy that is my most cherished possession but I will not deny that having money makes family life easier so it can certainly help you be more content.

= Should those responsible for causing the recent banking crisis face criminal charges as you did? =

Yes. I think there is a tendency to vilify individuals like Bob Diamond but this masks the underlying problems that still exist. He was right to go but the culprits involved in fixing the Libor interest rates should be held to account in the criminal courts because basically they have been involved in false accounting fraud. There are other areas such as payday loans and high interest loans that are allowed to flourish but blight our society.

It is wrong that vulnerable people who do not understand how to look after money are exploited. Too much money is made on the back of those who borrow money at crippling interest rates. I cannot understand why there are not laws to protect them.

= Do you use an independent financial adviser? =

I would never use any financial adviser. They are salespeople. When you see a broker or a bank manager they have something to sell. They may be doing things in your interest, but their main task is to make money out of you. One of the reasons for the recent banking crisis is that people put too much trust into what they are told by those working in finance this is because they have not been properly educated about personal finance.

Our education system should have personal finance on the school curriculum. It really is not that complicated, but banks and advisers try to make it sound so difficult to understand so they can make money out of us.

= Do you invest in stocks and shares? =

I have a pension fund I look after myself I buy and sell shares within the fund but not on a daily basis. I do my trading on the internet. I would not give my money to someone else to look after. It is important to stay in control and get to decide how your pension fund is invested. The days when I took a more active interest in markets are far behind me.

= What has been your best buy? =

I am not that materialistic but one weakness I have which comes from my City days is watches. I own a Rolex not sure what model it is but it is probably worth about £2,000. I bought it in the Nineties in Hong Kong. I don't think I was cheated if it was a hookey watch it would have stopped working by now. It is reliable and keeps great time.

= And your worst buy? =

Gym membership. I never seem to learn and each year sign up to a gym with great intentions but never seem to use it. The idea that it will make me get fit sucks me in every time. I also have a treadmill but at least that occasionally sees action.

= Has there ever been a point when you were worried about money? =

Every time I asked for money when I was working in Singapore for Barings the cash simply came I didn't perceive that there were any real concerns or that the bank was having any difficulties. You become blinkered. Dealing in large sums does not feel like real cash. I was focused on resolving the problem rather than worrying about the actual money.

= Has the recession affected you? =

It is strange but I have never been busier. The lessons of the Barings collapse do not seem to have been fully learnt as history has recently been repeating itself. My situation is not just about banking, there is a human interest aspect that strikes a chord with people. I do a lot of after-dinner speaking and conferences and it allows me to travel all over the world. I like to think my story is as relevant now as it has ever been.

Nick Leeson's official website is nickleeson.com

update BTD:brains:

The wealthy hospital benefactor goes for a visit .
 

Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" :eek!: screamed the woman.
"That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition , where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." o:D

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! :eek!: How can THAT be justified?"



Again the doctor spoke very calmly:

"Same illness, better health fund." 8-P

As i sit here typing at this unearthly hour, amidst the chaos of empty cans, a few observations come to mind, regarding the question of " you know youve had enough to drink when"....

1) you read what youve typed in various places the night before and realise you actually talk a lot of crap

2) your heads pounding that much , youve actually googled how to mass kill the dawn chorus with kitchen products

3) you check your poker balance and cry , then check your bank balance and realise the situations worse than you first thought and cry some more

4) And last , but not least , the ticket to be sectioned is confirmed , when you check your mp3 player and remember that you actually downloaded "Gangnam style " :'D

Heads off to the kitchen to find some glucose:brains: