Our records show ?
 

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation ..

Just reply,
"How's about that then !" to register,
or to opt out, just text, "Stop Jimmy Stop"

Register before the end of the month and get a free,

"Lawyers 4U fixed it for me" medal !! :smoke:

This made me chuckle :

Some kids stopped me outside the shop earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?"

"Sure I will," I replied, taking their money.

On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight.

Fifty Sheds Of Grey
 

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey :eek!:

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped,
"You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure...
Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though ....

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said,
"You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip.
"I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the work bench tightly.
"Harder!"
"Okay," I said.
"What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped.
"Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied.
"You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked.
"When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried.
"Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD


You can’t beat a good shed! o:D

B (:

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

hahahaha , o:D I like that Dobie , made me laugh :clap:

"Prime Minister will back allowing gay marriages in churches next week"

He swiftly changed his mind however when Nick Clegg got down on one knee.

U.K scientists have predicted that by the year 2015 , noone will be more than 6 ft away from an ex chelsea manager o:D

It will be before then......

Ive just seen Avran Grant in my kitchen.....8-P

I havnt read this thread for a while....


But its great stuff and made me laugh.....:clap:

Thatll teach you for stocking up your freezer at the new israeli superstore 8-P

A couple of men in suits knocked on my door and said "Can I tell you the news about our saviour, Bread?"...

They were Jehovis witnesses.

Sir Alex Ferguson defended his decision to leave Van Persie on the bench for today's match in the rain claiming...

"The boy could have drowned!"

:clap::clap: classic, nice one Dobie

Togetherness
 

Husband: .. "Honey, i have a problem at work"!.

Wife: .. "Never say "I," but "WE", We're one now".



Husband::h?: ... "Ok honey, our secretary is pregnant for us".

Wife: :eek!:

Me and my mate Dave were having a drink at the local bar.

I asked him, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us related?"

"No," he replied "but it would make us even"

I've just seen Jonathan Ross, a deputy sheriff and the Kaiser Chiefs walk into a bar.

I predict a Wyatt.

hahaaha :clap::clap:

Wife hit her husband with frying pan.:eek!:

Husband: What was that for…?

Wife: I found a paper in your pocket... with the name Jenny on it.

Husband: Ohh, I took part in a race last week, and Jenny was the name of my horse.

Wife: Sorry..!

Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again :eek!:

Husband: What now..?

Wife:... your horse is on phone !!!! :gh:

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says;- 'We are over the quota on Pikeys.
... Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

"No, the Gates..... "o:D

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah into a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him into an Australian nursing home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says Grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.


''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!


And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The ******* Arab'.

Just read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops.

I'm guessing that before that he was safety officer on the Titanic.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

IO was in the tesco cafe earlier, the counter asistant asked if I wanted anything on my burger, I replied a fiver each way.

just logged onto tesco home shopping site to buy some burgers, then clicked add to cart

People keep going on about tesco's burgers, you should try the meatballs,there the dogs bollox.

Tesco will never live this down, sell your shares now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The AA have warned that anyone traveling in these icy conditions should take a blanket/sleeping bag, extra clothes (including hat scarf and gloves) 24hr food and drink supply, de-icer, rock salt, a torch ,spare batteries, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads...

I looked a right **** on the bus this morning.

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,
"Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite."

The bloke says:
"Sir, I am from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please"


The farmer replies:
"If.... you.... use.... two.... hands.... you.... won't... spill ....any" o:D

I got talking to a girl in the pub last night, and after a few drinks, she giggled and said,
'I like playing with toys at night...if you know what I mean.'

I smiled, nodded and said,
'We can go back to my place, I might have the sort of toys you'd enjoy.'

Anyways ...to cut a long story short ...



She thinks Scalextric is shit. :gh:

Haha ..that last one made me laugh Benny :clap::clap:

Bradford City have annouced that tickets for their Capital One Cup final will go on sale next week, starting prices are 60 rupees.

Cabinet meeting:

"Mr Prime Minister, the country is broke, no money! Debt! Our boys are fighting an American war! Immigration is at its highest! Employment is at its lowest! How can we fix this?"

David Cameron: "Faster trains!"

High Urinals
 

High Urinals
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied.
'I'm riding "Silver Arrow" (Tony's selection) in the seventh race,:eek!:
but I appreciate your help.' :'D




8-P

omg !
 

2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout,
"air in the hands mother stickers this is a fu ck up" :D

"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.

"Piss off!" he replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

So DNA tests confirm that Richard III is the last Englishman to be found in Leicester.

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't try and surprise
Oscar pretaurius

hahahaa o:D :clap:

The kids are alright !!
 

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old,
'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers,

'but it won't be fuc'king Coco Pops' :loveme:

So close
 

My mate, just back from holiday in Thailand
Tells me on the phone that he came so close to shagging a lady boy!!
He said,
"Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady" !.....

It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time , he thought ????

''hang on a fuc'king minute" ... :eek!:

I dont contribute to this thread as much as i should but this made me laugh...o:D




The Black Bra (as told by a woman)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.



We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.



Here's how it all went.



My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all
night long.



The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.



Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door
and saw me he said,

































" What's for dinner, Zorro?"...........o:D

I bought a greyhound off the local blacksmith the other day . When i got home , i let hi m straight out into the garden and his first reaction was to make a bolt for the gate o:D