BEST PUBS

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,

"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." !!

The circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"


The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"Sure can, just get that lion out of there." o:D

School Register being read on the first day back at Birmingham Primary...

Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here, miss.

"Ahmed El Kabul? "Here, miss

"Fatima Al Hayek? "Here miss

"Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here, miss

"Mohammed Bin Kadir? "Here, miss"

Ali Son al En? ..... no answer.... Ali Son al En??

Still silence in the class. ... Ali Son al En?

A girl stands up and says:
"Sorry miss, I think that's me...

It's pronounced Alison Allen..!!". 8-P

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier
selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked,
:girl: "Do you have water?" The soldier replied,
"There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They
are only £10

The Taliban shouted,
"You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy
a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that,
and that I am a much better human being than you...If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.
“Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

"They won't let me in without a fcking tie” !!!!!!


:D

I was watching TV when my wife sat down beside me, stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered,
"Fancy a f+ck?"

I said,
"You're after something..."

"No I'm not," she protested.

"Yes you are," I said.
"You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."
8-P

Dear Deirdre
"As it was such a nice sunny day yesterday, I walked up the garden and as I looked over the fence I noticed that my gorgeous neighbour was sunbathing topless.
She didn't spot me so after a few minutes of taking in the view I started to have a wank.
As I shot my whack all over the fence I realised that my wife was standing behind me and had witnessed the whole episode".

"To cut to the chase Deirdre",

"Do you think my wife is a pervert ?"

3:-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh ok, heres another one ....


Paddy shouts frantically down the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" Asks the operator.

"No," shouts Paddy.

"This is her husband". !!

o:D

We have all heard the line, "And that's how the fight Started" right ?
 

Well, here's a few of, "thats how the fight started" (o)<

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started..... ;)

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...:'D

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started..... 8-P

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started... :girl:

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And thats how the fight started :cool:
Oh one other thing, The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. :hi:

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."!!

And then the fight started... ;)

________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale. !!

And then the fight started...... o:)

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started... :C

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.." !!

And then the fight started........ :-C

________________________________

:eat:

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.


... Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 4 pm, he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.!!

;)

Our neighbour's dog had a shyt in our garden,

so my missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that suggestion has solved though, because now we've still got the dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have got our shovel. :h?:

I got thrown out of McDonald's this morning. :h?:

The girl serving me was an absolute stunner, and when she told me she could make it large for 30p I replied that she already had,:hi: ..
and could she finish me off for a quid ... ;)

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband,
"you can have her buried here in the holy land for $150, or, we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him,
"why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

the husband replied,;)

"long time ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead.!!

"i just can’t take that chance" !! :D


..

What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?




... Yukanol Fukov. o:)

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for a couple of years now, so naturally she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
After asking why I had arrived home early, she then shouted
"Abracadabra!", and my mate Dave jumped out of the wardrobe, stark naked.:eek!:


Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuc'k was going on. :'D

English Humour
 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.:t:

-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said,
"We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

---------------------------------------------------------

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though.
It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No; and 72% said,
"I am not understanding the question please."

-----------------------------------------------------------

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents ?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single
mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer. ?
They've sent my form back. :smoke:

I took a Dutch girl out the other night and she turned up wearing inflatable shoes...:h?:


I tried to phone her yesterday to see if she fancied another date and her flatmate told me ...



She had.....




















































Popped her clogs....:king:

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was
f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." :eek!:


Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab" :'D


My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse. :gh:


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!" ;)



My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
wanted to rent her spare room out!! o:)


Teacher asks Billy;
"If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
:eat:
Billy; "Five"

'Scousers Are Not Stupid'
 

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd..
'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says,
'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,
'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' :eek!:

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' :D

We're All In This Together ?
 

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal..

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, 3:-)
"Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels .."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules." :king:

She's a gem !!
 

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "he was an Aussie cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "you worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

:D ;)




:-O

Penquins on ice
 

Picture of a penguins football match ..

The ref looks a bit dodgy under the ice ;)

GOLF AND THE COW

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.



Naturally, the Doctor asked him 'What happened to YOU?'



'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.



We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -
stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'' :loveme:



'I don't remember much after that !'



...

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “ Oh my god, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have legged it –

But you don’t get offers like that every day.(o)<

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ..... What's the problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.” :-O

My type of humour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BB9MI_8bsE

Old Folks
 

..doh

Ahhh. a heart warming story :eat:

A small boy got lost at a shopping centre, so he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gin and tonic and women with big tits." :t:

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night -
to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world - When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today, sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

8-P

You learn something every day ..
 

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your Bum and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.





My public service is done for the day! :flowers:

Al and Ronnie talk sport
 

And now for some Radio sporting talk o:D
(not for the ladies)

A talksportforums special > http://youtu.be/kJlm7yVnC8k < :flowers:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says,




"Hang on! You're a duck."



"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.



"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.



"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.




"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"



"Certainly, sorry about that,"




Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.




"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"



"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.




"I'm a plasterer."



The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.



So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.



Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him




"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"



"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.




"Get him to give me a call."



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,




"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."



"I'm always looking for the next job,"




Says the duck.




"Where is it?"



"At the circus,"




Says the barman.



"The circus?"




Repeats the duck.



"That's right,"




Replies the barman.



"The circus?"




The duck asks again.







with the big tent?"



"Yeah," the barman replies.



"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.



"Of course," the barman replies.



"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.



"That's right!" says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ........ 3:-)

> .

> .



> .

> .

> .



"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!" o:D

Benz
 

Flight of Virgin Air ...

Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

"What is your name?"

Hostess:
"Angela Benz, Sir!"

Passenger:
"Lovely name, Any relation with Mercedes Benz?" o:D


Hostess:
"Yes Sir,,,,, "Same price" :loveme:

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,

Tubes entering different parts of my body,

Wires monitoring every function, :eek!:


There was a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

I heard her say,

'You may-not feel anything from the waist down.'

However I managed to mumble in reply,


'Can I feel your tits, then?' .. o:D

Annual Christmas Party . . .

Peter woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding Headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of Him. "Mary," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse" she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete a Fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the chairman of the company, right to his face".

"He's an @rsehole Peter said. "I could piss on him".

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you!" :eek!:

"Well, fck him" said Peter.

"I did" said Mary. :gh:


"That's why you're back at work on Monday" o:D

https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/...52315850_n.jpg


https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.n...13721570_n.jpg


https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.n...58939059_n.jpg


https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.n...08943117_n.jpg


https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/...70954801_n.jpg

What do you call a short person, who just escaped prison, and communicates with ghosts?

A small medium at large

bingo
 

. A young girl from Donegal left home to find work in the bright lights of London. She came home 6 months later and stepped out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," said her mother, "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"



Colleen replied, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London." :eat:



When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she came back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.



With the usual exchange with mum............"Won it at bingo!" ;)



Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She handed her mother £1,000 and explained that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asked mum to run her a bath as she needed to freshen up.



Her mum ran the bath while Colleen got undressed but when she got to the bathroom, there was only a quarter of an inch of hot water in the bath.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mum being so mean with the hot water after being handed £1,000, called downstairs,
"Mum! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter of an inch of water in here!"



"Indeed there is, me darlin" replied her mum, "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card soggy now, do we?" :-O

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
Well......you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a
new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,
which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark
haired boy with the same name had been in my
secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret
crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded
any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply
lined face was far too old to have been my
classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked
him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit, bastard asked..

'what subject did you teach '? :D

o:Do:Do:D


That made me laugh.....:t:

Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres .......

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

love it 3:-) o:D