Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell? "

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[bennythedip2]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked,
"Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said,
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said,
"Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said,
"Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said,
"That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said,


" Mission Accomplished."

[bennythedip2]

Stand up Jim Jefferies , Funny as Fck http://youtu.be/LZJ-_OTvsqo ~~

Oh, warning, dont watch if you dont like to hear the swear word
Or, go to church on Sundays

[bennythedip2]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual routine of 'mother in law' jokes and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well presented blonde woman stands up and says.
"I've had just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a persons hair colour possibly have with their f...undamental worth as a human being?

It's moron's like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential.....because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to the discrimination laws in every civilised country, It is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens.
You should hang your head in shame, You pusillanimous little maggot!"

Flustered the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the the blonde yells,


"You stay out of this mister!, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[bennythedip2]

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says,
"there you go you miserable sod I'll pay you back monthly!"

And the moral of this story is,
:- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!, there will ALWAYS be a string attached!

[Pkrplaya]

Oh dear

[bennythedip2]

A Country wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She then put his manhood in a vice and secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered,
"Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...




"Nope ... You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

[bennythedip2]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Benny accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Benny upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.



Later, Benny went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked,
'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Benny admitted that, well indeed he did.


She said,
'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500 ! 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Benny confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Fridays and Benny didn't, Benny should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Benny showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.


Benny quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Benny come by the house this afternoon?'


With a lump in her throat Sue answered,
'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you $500?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied,
'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'


Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'


Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[bennythedip2]

Aussie radio !

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney ..
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'.. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.


One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.


Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.. What is your name? First only please.'


Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.....'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'


Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
(Touch tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'


DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'


Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'


Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'


DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'


Sarah: 'No.'


DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'


Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'


DJ: 'Very good.. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'


DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the arse.....' ~~


They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing..

[bennythedip2]

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!


An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied,
'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said,
'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"are you a real pilot?"

He replied,


'I always thought I was', ~~~~~ 'but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'