Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[Tony2005]

[bennythedip2]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said to him,
'Son, we would get you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'


The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So the father asked,
'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him,
'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard Mum tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no fu'cking bike

[bennythedip2]

One for you old boys ..you'll remember 'the good old days'

Lost in the Fifties- Another Time, Another Place






www.youtube.com/embed/jjj9VKKSV2g ...

[bennythedip2]

I phoned up BT today to complain that my phone wasn't working correctly.
The young Indian girl on the end of the line says, "I'm sorry sir, can you repeat that?" in a difficult to understand voice.
So I say, "my phone isn't working correctly."
She again says, "could you repeat that again, sir? I can't make out what you said."
I'm getting a bit pissed off now, 'cause I can't really understand her, and shout, "my phone isn't working correctly!"
I think she says, in a very Indian accent, "I'm sorry, I still can't make out what your saying."
I've had enough, so I say, "STICK THE PHONE UP YOUR ARSE!" and I slam the phone down.
The next day there's a knock on my door. When I open it, a BT Engineer is standing there .
The Engineer says, "are you the man who told the call centre worker to stick the phone up her arse yesterday?"
I reply, "yes that's me."
The Engineer says, "well, if you don't get on the phone and apologise, we are going to take your phone out."
So I pick up and I phone the call centre, get through to the Indian girl and say, "are you the person who I told to stick the phone up your arse yesterday?"
She says, "yes, that's me."

And I say, "well, they'll be bringing it round in a bit." ....

[bennythedip2]

Flawless MALE LOGIC.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!


Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari then? .......

[bennythedip2]

HUSBAND'S MESSAGE (via cellphone)

Honey, a car hit me whilst crossing the road outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
The Doctors have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but, fortunately, it seems that
it did not cause any permanent brain damage.
But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and
they may have to amputate my right foot.



WIFE'S RESPONSE:


Who's Paula? ..... ??

[bennythedip2]

The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond.

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?


HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HMtQ: No. I don’t think so.

AS: OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest we call it a Country?

[bennythedip2]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said,
"If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said,
"Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said,
“Yesterday."

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said,
"Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile,
"Do you really think so."
I said
"Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "



__________________________________________________ ____

[Tony2005]

Made me laugh those....

[bennythedip2]

Fluctuations .. 'Oh my days' .Today's word is ..................Fluctuations

(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...

She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" ..


You know you're laughing ....