Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied,

'and do you know what? We didn't see a single @rsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wan ker anywhere we went today!'


Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[bennythedip2]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove
their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the
chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[bennythedip2]

There's a gang of American criminals operating in your area.
They've been observed dumping pensioners in bins.

Answer to the names of Top-cat , Benny and Boo boo.
If you have any info call crimestoppers,

or Officer Dibble in the incident room !!

[bennythedip2]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry and was sueing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

Seamus

'Well , I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow Bessie into the sidecar of me motorbike...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details , just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine !" ?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar of me motorbike and I was driving down the road.....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour , I am trying to establish the fact that , at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying , I had just loaded Bessie , my favourite cow , into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like and didn't want to move. However , I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition , he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road , gun still in hand , looked me up and down , and said
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the F*** would you have said'?

[bennythedip2]

[bennythedip2]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"



"Well" the vet replied,


IT JUST BLOODY WELL WORKED ON ME !!!!!!".

[bennythedip2]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,

informing me that I can have sex at 73!


I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 67.....








and..








It's not far to walk home afterwards!

[bennythedip2]

[bennythedip2]

The Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away.. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!"
The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated,
'The Magic Penis' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said,
'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said,
'Magic Penis, the door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said,
'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days,
The Wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said,
'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said,
'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,, now I've heard them all Maam,
Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'






The rest, as they say, is history.........

[johncb]

Love the joke s benny especially the Irish one would Seamus