Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

She has all food prepared for her

She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.

Her meals are provided at no cost to her.

She visits the doctor once a year for her check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.

If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.




I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ....







My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.

[Part-Timer]

Welcome to the madhouse Or is it the doghouse

[Pkrplaya]

Plus she can lick her own ..... all day

[bennythedip2]

Now i know why Tony has trouble with his 'dongle' !!

He goes to the wrong shop ?


http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p0...kberry_sketch/

[bennythedip2]

It's 5 30 Friday evening right (true story) ... I've just got off the phone asking Bet 365 why like other bookies, (as stated on UK racing) they weren't paying the 4th horse in the 4 50 Goodwood .. I got some snotty kid saying,
"We pay enhanced odds the first three only, thank you for calling Bet365, goodbye" ............... OK Marvelous

So i sit back and think well that was another disastrous day of flat racing, 2 winners but no profit ...
Then i hear the phone ring, just as i'm half way up the stairs for a whizz i was busting, and think , Oh , i bet that's Tony (our Tony that is) or my mate John ....
So I rush back down , pick up the phone (I'm also thinking it could be Bet365 saying as a good will gesture they will pay me the 4th place)... anyway I say ,
"Hello, Benny here who's calling ?" ..... (long pause) Hello !!!! ...............(more pause) .. (one more time) .. Hello !!! ..........
Suddenly there's a voice at the other end,
(Foreign asian voice) "elo but but".. elo, i am a wondering if you would be so kind but but, i am doink a sirvey for a consumer companeeeee, and am wonderink if you have some time to spare for me to ask you some questions but but .... ??

I cant remember the exact words I said but the 'mouse' hit the wall, and dog ran out into the back garden ....


But I think he and his 'but but' got the message out in India !!

[Part-Timer]

Subject: NUFC abandon sign-a-simpleton policy
In most of these football stories you could substitute in other teams and players but not this one. This could only have been written about the Mags!



Toon boss Alan Pardew fears Newcastle United may be forced to start a season without a recognised idiot in the side for the first time in decades.
“Losing a Grade A fruitcake like Joey Barton so close to the big Premier League kick off is a massive blow,” said Pardew, “and a first for the club in recent years.
“So much of our preparation has been around employing a moron like Barton to shaft our chances left, right and centre, now all that hard work has been undone.”
The St James’s Park outfit has relied on a steady stream of cretins in the team to derail any hopes of silverware since their last trophy win back in 1955.
And club historian Walter Greendale, 87, fears moves to abandon Newcastle’s much-vaunted “sign-a-simpleton policy may have serious consequences for the Tyneside club.
“Newcastle fans turn up to watch their side implode not win trophies,” he said.
“Goals and winning games are all very well for your Manchester Uniteds and Liverpools, but Toon fans prefer to see their players going off the rails in spectacular fashion.
“Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer fighting on the pitch, Barton getting banged up, Craig Bellamy ranting against Shearer … that’s what they’ve come to expect.
“To start playing football could be a disaster. The last time we did that, only the late intervention of a hysterical Kevin Keegan squealing ‘I’d love it’ on TV managed to save us from winning a league title.”
Newcastle fans last night gathered outside St James’s Park calling for club owner Mike Ashley to resign.
“He’s making a mockery of this club,” said Toon fan Tony Superkev Number 9 Smith, 27, of Birtley, “We want our loonies.”
NUFC fan Alan Shearer Shearer Todd, 31, of Gateshead, said: “Ashley did us proud when he brought in barking mad Joe Kinnear as manager, but recently he’s let us down big style.
“Getting rid of home-grown mentalist Andy Carroll has done us no favours. And no sooner does Nile Ranger show traditional brainless Toon prowess, getting pictured in the tabloids brandishing a handgun, than the club put him up for sale.
“This guy has no respect for Newcastle’s decades of dimwittery.”
As The News Grind went to press, Paul Gascoigne was reportedly heading to St James’s Park in his dressing gown armed with a fishing rod and a roast chicken.

[Tony2005]

..........Love it...


Gazza....

[bennythedip2]

Brilliant

[bennythedip2]

I was in the public restroom-I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall...
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "I'm ok"
Stall: "So, what are you up too"
Me: "Er, same as you, just sitting here"
...Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a bit busy right now!!"


Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back there's an idiot in the other stall that keeps answering my questions."

[bennythedip2]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father. Next!