Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!



Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today
and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Her letter:

Dear Ex-Husband,




Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7years ago..

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning..

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.


So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[bennythedip2]

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.








Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

[bennythedip2]

Baptizing a Drunken Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies,
"No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers,
"No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,
"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,









"Are you sure this is where he fell in" ?

[bennythedip2]

engineers and managers...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" he replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "You must be in management."

"I am" she replied, "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Mystical]

A man and a woman start to make love in a big dark forest. After about 15 minutes the man gets up and says: "Damn its dark! I wish I had a flashlight".
The woman says: "Yes me too....you've been eating grass for 15 minutes!"

[bennythedip2]

you'll be alright you

[bennythedip2]

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back:
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh, God,,,, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,


"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

[bennythedip2]

Women Are Evil

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.
She seductively indicated that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands..
"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the barman. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
Forefinger across the barman's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
And allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the barman managed to say.


"Tell him," she whispered,





"There's no toilet paper, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[bennythedip2]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was tufts of hair in the dog's ears. He then cleaned out both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea (the wife) that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said,
"I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said,
"If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied,
"I'm not using it on my legs either". "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist says,





"Well, dont have sex and stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[bennythedip2]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the money is buried.

Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any money.. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie