Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Marriage after 1 year, after 5 years & after 15 years !!!
Click
here > http://www.safeshare.tv/w/fQKuZiFaLA

[bennythedip2]

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her,
"No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both".

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. !!!

~( '',)~

[bennythedip2]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote,
"Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him..
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.




"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[bennythedip2]

Click on the link below and put in your postcode ~ very briefly you will see the plane go past your house


~ http://taxi.ba.com/ ~

[bennythedip2]

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference. BOB HOPE





ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact,I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING


'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER


'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'



His wife Dolores once asked him what funeral arrangements he would like he replied: "Surprise me"
Give me a sense of humor; Lord, give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life.


and to the person receiving this
the grace to pass it on to others.

[bennythedip2]

Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity .

Afterwards he was asked how it felt

He said,
"It feels a bit strange but",


















"I think it makes my cock look bigger" !!!

[Pkrplaya]

[bennythedip2]

... Sometimes to me, a story is worth saving, and in the current climate that has left the UK economy reeling in a 'double dip' recession, it seems governments throughout history are doomed to keep repeating itself

..Barings rogue trader Nick Leeson:
'Money is not my motivation'

By Toby Walne | Telegraph
Nick Leeson, the rogue trader who brought down Barings, talks money.

Nick Leeson, 45, is the original rogue trader. He lost £862m betting on the markets in 1995 and brought down Britain's oldest investment bank, 233-year-old Barings He then spent four years in a Singapore jail before being released early with life-threatening cancer.

Liquidators personally chased him for £100m and he was limited to earning less than £3,000 a month to stop them taking a cut. They stopped chasing him in 2005 and he earns about £80,000 a year the majority comes from after-dinner speaking.

He lives near Galway, Ireland (Xetra: A0Q8L3 - news) , with his second wife, Leona, 37, son Mackensey, eight, and stepchildren Alex, 13, and Kersty, 17.

= How did your childhood experiences influence your attitude to money? =

We lived on a council estate in Watford. My father was a plasterer and Mum was a nurse and carer. Money was always tight but I never wanted for anything. We had a rented television that took money but always seemed to have enough coins to watch what we liked. My parents were good, honest, working-class people who believed in only spending what you have. It taught me the true value of money. When you forget about this, problems can occur.

= What was your first job? =

I had a paper round. I was not an entrepreneur but liked to earn my own money. At school I saw a trainee job advertised with Coutts bank and thought why waste time with university when I could earn some cash straight away? I immediately fell in love with the City. It was the Big Bang era and very exciting. By the age of 22 I had been headhunted by Barings and was after new challenges which is how I got to be trading in Singapore.

= Are you a spender or a saver? =

I am not that flash with cash. There is a perception that City boys all drive around in fast cars and enjoy throwing their money around that is not me. When I was working abroad I also preferred the company of locals rather than hanging out with the expats. I am not that materialistic and drive a Vauxhall Astra.

= How did you gamble away Britain's oldest merchant bank? =

I make no excuses about what I did it was wrong and I feel remorse. But I am no crook and was just trying to put things right. It had started when I tried to cover for a junior colleague who lost £20,000 on the trading floor. The bets were not for personal gain. I was given too much freedom to play with too much money it should not have been allowed. I was not the gambling "barrow boy" portrayed in the media but someone who wanted to stay in control.

= What lessons has the industry learnt from the downfall of Barings? =

Barings was to have provided a wake-up call for the banks but it obviously failed although regulations have tightened up.

The central bank and regulatory authority could still do a much better job. The Financial Services Authority employs far too many staff and has lost its way by getting too bloated and bureaucratic. With a leaner, more focused outfit it could afford to pay enough to attract more talented staff who prefer to be employed on the trading floor. There needs to be scrutiny of the industry before things go wrong rather than reaction after the event.

= Does money make you happy? =

I had a lot of time to think about this during four and a half years at the notorious Changi prison in Singapore. It was a tough place to survive in as the only Caucasian and being surrounded by a tough gang culture. During my time in prison I found I had life-threatening cancer and my first wife also left me. There were many hours to reflect on who I was and how I had arrived at this situation. Money has never been my motivation. It is family that makes me happy that is my most cherished possession but I will not deny that having money makes family life easier so it can certainly help you be more content.

= Should those responsible for causing the recent banking crisis face criminal charges as you did? =

Yes. I think there is a tendency to vilify individuals like Bob Diamond but this masks the underlying problems that still exist. He was right to go but the culprits involved in fixing the Libor interest rates should be held to account in the criminal courts because basically they have been involved in false accounting fraud. There are other areas such as payday loans and high interest loans that are allowed to flourish but blight our society.

It is wrong that vulnerable people who do not understand how to look after money are exploited. Too much money is made on the back of those who borrow money at crippling interest rates. I cannot understand why there are not laws to protect them.

= Do you use an independent financial adviser? =

I would never use any financial adviser. They are salespeople. When you see a broker or a bank manager they have something to sell. They may be doing things in your interest, but their main task is to make money out of you. One of the reasons for the recent banking crisis is that people put too much trust into what they are told by those working in finance this is because they have not been properly educated about personal finance.

Our education system should have personal finance on the school curriculum. It really is not that complicated, but banks and advisers try to make it sound so difficult to understand so they can make money out of us.

= Do you invest in stocks and shares? =

I have a pension fund I look after myself I buy and sell shares within the fund but not on a daily basis. I do my trading on the internet. I would not give my money to someone else to look after. It is important to stay in control and get to decide how your pension fund is invested. The days when I took a more active interest in markets are far behind me.

= What has been your best buy? =

I am not that materialistic but one weakness I have which comes from my City days is watches. I own a Rolex not sure what model it is but it is probably worth about £2,000. I bought it in the Nineties in Hong Kong. I don't think I was cheated if it was a hookey watch it would have stopped working by now. It is reliable and keeps great time.

= And your worst buy? =

Gym membership. I never seem to learn and each year sign up to a gym with great intentions but never seem to use it. The idea that it will make me get fit sucks me in every time. I also have a treadmill but at least that occasionally sees action.

= Has there ever been a point when you were worried about money? =

Every time I asked for money when I was working in Singapore for Barings the cash simply came I didn't perceive that there were any real concerns or that the bank was having any difficulties. You become blinkered. Dealing in large sums does not feel like real cash. I was focused on resolving the problem rather than worrying about the actual money.

= Has the recession affected you? =

It is strange but I have never been busier. The lessons of the Barings collapse do not seem to have been fully learnt as history has recently been repeating itself. My situation is not just about banking, there is a human interest aspect that strikes a chord with people. I do a lot of after-dinner speaking and conferences and it allows me to travel all over the world. I like to think my story is as relevant now as it has ever been.

Nick Leeson's official website is nickleeson.com

update BTD

[bennythedip2]

Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman.
"That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition , where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"



Again the doctor spoke very calmly:

"Same illness, better health fund."

[Dobie2089]

As i sit here typing at this unearthly hour, amidst the chaos of empty cans, a few observations come to mind, regarding the question of " you know youve had enough to drink when"....

1) you read what youve typed in various places the night before and realise you actually talk a lot of crap

2) your heads pounding that much , youve actually googled how to mass kill the dawn chorus with kitchen products

3) you check your poker balance and cry , then check your bank balance and realise the situations worse than you first thought and cry some more

4) And last , but not least , the ticket to be sectioned is confirmed , when you check your mp3 player and remember that you actually downloaded "Gangnam style "

Heads off to the kitchen to find some glucose