Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Extraordinary behaviour really.”

The phone rang and and Ernesto said, "Benny guess who's at Ascot today, International Financier and Playboy, Ali Irvano" !!! "O'k Ernesto come and get me, i'm on the beach at Camber Sands" !! Now not exactly Monte Carlo i know but us poor punters get our kicks anyway we can .“We arrived at the racecourse by helicopter with my friend's Ernesto and Valerie the actress. "No Amy then Valerie" ? I enquired, "No" she said, "If she stands up she might make it later" !! As we disembarked I noticed a figure in a heavily stained overcoat trapped beneath the aircraft! I thought we’d killed someone, however, it was this Ladbrokes fellow. He was mumbling ‘Get this F~~~~n thing off me.’ Mister Ivano came over not looking to pleased, as we freed him and I proffered him my hip-flask. He greedily drained its contents as I tried to restrain him. Valerie and I assisted him to the weighing room where they fixed him up with a mug of tea and a fresh pair of trousers. I revealed to him that my hip-flask had contained a medicinal draught, known in showbiz circles as a “Percodan Perambulator”. Dean Martin put me onto it. You can get blind drunk on it and still walk, but you only need a sip. He failed utterly to comprehend the meaning of this news, and in fact spoke lucidly to me about his childhood for ten minutes or so before dropping the mug of tea and keeling over. It was then I think that he banged his head.”

We were introduced to Mr Irvano who also revealed that his companion, Anna Robinson, is suing the Ladbrokes chappie for suggestions and moves he made toward her as she attempted to give him the “Kiss of life”. Laddie fellow claims in his defence that he “must have been got at” and that “anyway, she made the first move”. Dashing Euro MP, Sonny 'boy' Lennox spoke with Laddie in the gents: “I could hear someone singing an old Bob Dylan song, it was Shane. I recognised him as he clambered over the top of my cubicle. I tried to calm him down, but he began chopping out lines of cocaine! I stopped that right away, the stuff was everywhere. I hurried him to Ivano's private box where I poured black coffee down him. To no avail. He quickly became objectionable and launched into an anti-Irish tirade, claiming the IRA were after him with helicopters because he knew what really happened to Shergar! Incredible stuff. I’m sure he was concussed. The last straw was when he unzipped his fly and pissed over the verandah onto the crowd below. It was chaos, they were throwing bottles into our box, we had to ask him to leave.”

His whereabouts for the rest of the day remain a mystery. Unreliable reports include a drunken appearance outside Windsor Castle, where a verger saw a “religious maniac” whipping a great oak door with a Long Tom.

Later that night a man answering his description was seen attempting to scale the wall of Ascot Ladies College. Who was it Shane or Laddie's man, dont ask !!! .......


benny

[bennythedip2]

Phone rings again, "sigh, who is it this time" I say to myself. No sooner had I got the phone to my ear than," Bennyyyyyy, i got summat to F~~~~n ask ya mate !!! It's Shane, "yes mate go on i'm listening" (why did i pick the phone up, he's never been sober before, so why think he might be now? )

Listen mate, he shouted, " Rent or Buy", "I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not
counting attorney's fees and court costs."

"On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right" ?

"But...Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million)."

"Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees."

"Benny, Is it just me, or is it better to rent?"



............I hung up !!!!

[Tony2005]

now that did make me laugh............

[bennythedip2]

The Benny Interview !!
I was recently asked about tournament poker and how to play consistently and win !!
To learn to understand a tournament poker players life you have to look at or imagine the life of a boxer in the ring. From the first bell, when he is sparring and jabbing, feeling his opponents out, looking to go the distance and finally looking to land the knock out punch.
In many ways there are similarities from the beginning when your starting out learning your trade to the end , when maybe you become the world or European champion, or, you fall by the wayside, another contender !
You have to take the bumps, use the ropes, roll with the punches and take the breaks when the bell rings and above all you need patience and a big heart. Confidence is of course the major part in any boxers time in the ring and the same has to be said of a winning tournament poker player .
In both sports there have been great champions on their day, but how many also ran, how many could have been a contender if only they had done the homework, the training, practiced the moves and learnt their trade !!
In any sport psychology is probably the biggest factor and good psychology is about forming good habits !!... Bad habits are like a disease and losing can become a habit and after a while you start to accept losing, it becomes a habit !! However if you make good habits, it can help you to win, all of a sudden winning can become a habit !!!....
So, as in all sports and life itself, ultimately we must take control of what we do, form good habits ,change things when we're losing, dont let losing become a habit because that is the quickest way to
'The Poker Hospital' !! ..........now where was i.............Nurse !!!!!!
Benny !

updated from summer last year by BTD

[joejim]

make sure you use your position,
try and change your postion.
if your postion is compremised.close your eyes and either cry..or all in
sit in a comfertable postion,use cushions.
have your fags and spare under wear,for the dreaded river in a handy postion.
find out what postion the aggresive person is sitting.
find out the postions of the tight players postion is.
find out what postion your mind is in,can you pick out the table clown,if you cant its you
what postion are you in,with chips.against the big blind
what postion do you want finish,to win you go play aggressive.and use postion.first to bet has massavive advantage
are you in postion
are you out of postion
whos in postion
whos out of postion
why cant you get into postion
why are you in that postion
can you get out of that postion
can u bluff postion
why did you bluff in that postion
should you fold in this postion
will you compremise your postion
will you strengthen your postion
wil you weaken your postion
whats your favourite postion
whats your weakest postion


because im great at poker.i am in a POSTION to share this with you

[bennythedip2]

[joejim]

your confused..so your out of postion...if you understood that,you would have been in a postion,of not being confused.its simple.suggest you keep reading it,until you are in a postion to understand,or a postion to sleep well,better than counting sheep

[bennythedip2]

Yes right, I'll read that nonsense again

[bennythedip2]

GOT to be more careful!!!!!!





A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'


















She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

[bennythedip2]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'



The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'



The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'



The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'



'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'



George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'



The group fell silent for a moment.



The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'



The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'



The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'



The Aussie said, 'Why the F~ck can't they play at night?'