Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

BEST PUBS

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,

"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." !!

[bennythedip2]

The circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"


The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"Sure can, just get that lion out of there."

[bennythedip2]

School Register being read on the first day back at Birmingham Primary...

Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here, miss.

"Ahmed El Kabul? "Here, miss

"Fatima Al Hayek? "Here miss

"Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here, miss

"Mohammed Bin Kadir? "Here, miss"

Ali Son al En? ..... no answer.... Ali Son al En??

Still silence in the class. ... Ali Son al En?

A girl stands up and says:
"Sorry miss, I think that's me...

It's pronounced Alison Allen..!!".

[bennythedip2]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier
selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked,
"Do you have water?" The soldier replied,
"There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They
are only £10

The Taliban shouted,
"You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy
a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that,
and that I am a much better human being than you...If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.
“Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

"They won't let me in without a fcking tie” !!!!!!

[bennythedip2]

I was watching TV when my wife sat down beside me, stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered,
"Fancy a f+ck?"

I said,
"You're after something..."

"No I'm not," she protested.

"Yes you are," I said.
"You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."

[bennythedip2]

Dear Deirdre
"As it was such a nice sunny day yesterday, I walked up the garden and as I looked over the fence I noticed that my gorgeous neighbour was sunbathing topless.
She didn't spot me so after a few minutes of taking in the view I started to have a wank.
As I shot my whack all over the fence I realised that my wife was standing behind me and had witnessed the whole episode".

"To cut to the chase Deirdre",

"Do you think my wife is a pervert ?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh ok, heres another one ....


Paddy shouts frantically down the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" Asks the operator.

"No," shouts Paddy.

"This is her husband". !!

[bennythedip2]

Well, here's a few of, "thats how the fight started"

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And thats how the fight started
Oh one other thing, The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."!!

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale. !!

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.." !!

And then the fight started........

________________________________

[bennythedip2]

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.


... Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 4 pm, he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.!!

[bennythedip2]

Our neighbour's dog had a shyt in our garden,

so my missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that suggestion has solved though, because now we've still got the dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have got our shovel.

[bennythedip2]

I got thrown out of McDonald's this morning.

The girl serving me was an absolute stunner, and when she told me she could make it large for 30p I replied that she already had, ..
and could she finish me off for a quid ...