Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband,
"you can have her buried here in the holy land for $150, or, we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him,
"why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

the husband replied,

"long time ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead.!!

"i just can’t take that chance" !!


..

[bennythedip2]

What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?




... Yukanol Fukov.

[bennythedip2]

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for a couple of years now, so naturally she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
After asking why I had arrived home early, she then shouted
"Abracadabra!", and my mate Dave jumped out of the wardrobe, stark naked.


Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuc'k was going on.

[bennythedip2]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said,
"We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though.
It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No; and 72% said,
"I am not understanding the question please."

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents ?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single
mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer. ?
They've sent my form back.

[Tony2005]

I took a Dutch girl out the other night and she turned up wearing inflatable shoes...


I tried to phone her yesterday to see if she fancied another date and her flatmate told me ...



She had.....




















































Popped her clogs....

[bennythedip2]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was
f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."


Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"



My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
wanted to rent her spare room out!!


Teacher asks Billy;
"If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"

Billy; "Five"

[bennythedip2]

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd..
'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says,
'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,
'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[bennythedip2]

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal..

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said,
"Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels .."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

[bennythedip2]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "he was an Aussie cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "you worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[bennythedip2]

Picture of a penguins football match ..

The ref looks a bit dodgy under the ice