Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

GOLF AND THE COW

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.



Naturally, the Doctor asked him 'What happened to YOU?'



'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.



We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -
stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''



'I don't remember much after that !'



...

[bennythedip2]

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “ Oh my god, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have legged it –

But you don’t get offers like that every day.

[bennythedip2]

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ..... What's the problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”

[Part-Timer]

My type of humour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BB9MI_8bsE

[bennythedip2]

..doh

[bennythedip2]

Ahhh. a heart warming story

A small boy got lost at a shopping centre, so he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gin and tonic and women with big tits."

[bennythedip2]

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night -
to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world - When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today, sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[bennythedip2]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your Bum and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.





My public service is done for the day!

[bennythedip2]

And now for some Radio sporting talk
(not for the ladies)

A talksportforums special > http://youtu.be/kJlm7yVnC8k <

[bennythedip2]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says,




"Hang on! You're a duck."



"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.



"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.



"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.




"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"



"Certainly, sorry about that,"




Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.




"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"



"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.




"I'm a plasterer."



The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.



So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.



Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him




"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"



"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.




"Get him to give me a call."



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,




"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."



"I'm always looking for the next job,"




Says the duck.




"Where is it?"



"At the circus,"




Says the barman.



"The circus?"




Repeats the duck.



"That's right,"




Replies the barman.



"The circus?"




The duck asks again.







with the big tent?"



"Yeah," the barman replies.



"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.



"Of course," the barman replies.



"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.



"That's right!" says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ........

> .

> .



> .

> .

> .



"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"