Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the cinema.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then he asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...


.....wait for it ..................


. "The balcony....!! " ....

[bennythedip2]

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey, Fred! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and Brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
"Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,
"Geez, Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."



Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

[bennythedip2]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
>>>
>>>
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
.. Den I come.
.. Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! ...
 Two asses, they come together again.


I come again and pee twice. 

Then I come one lasta time.'


The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'




$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!
>>>

[bennythedip2]

Alaska Retirement

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....
I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Stan

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter.


Just gonna be the two of us.................... ..................

[bennythedip2]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied,
'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,


'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. ...

[bennythedip2]

The Red Light

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.



A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.



Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Bloody hell! That could have been me!"











So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job - as a bus driver.

[bennythedip2]

Final Will ..

I was sitting at the computer just now & called out to the Mr's,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, DEAR!"




SHE SHOUTED BACK







"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD”

[bennythedip2]

There's a guy who lives in Ohio.
One morning, he hears a voice in his head.
The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."
He goes to The Horseshoe.
The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt .. As Ad.... The voice says, "Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is ... Jh 10h 9h.


The voice says, " Oh Shit."

[bennythedip2]

The best dog the "Mark Wallis Syndicate" owned .2013/2014 ..Sadly a broken wrist stopped him from showing his full potential .
The break was mended and now, happily looking to be homed ..
In this race he comes from last to first, with blistering pace down the back straight to challenge the leader off the last bend.. http://youtu.be/dnPcPaafSRQ ..

[bennythedip2]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,
'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,

'I hope not ; it's only 2130 now