Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................











"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"





"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."





Now tell me you're NOT going to forward this!

[bennythedip2]

This post...I removed...It wasn't funny !!

[bennythedip2]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads..' !!!





BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

[bennythedip2]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell

> where the Devil is waiting for him.
>
> "I don't know what to do," says the Devil.
> "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But
> you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
> I'm going to do. I've got three people here who
> weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
> go, but you have to take their place.
>
> I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
>
> The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon
> and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing
> empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in
> Hell.
>
> "No!" George said. "I don't think so.
> I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do
> that all day long."
>
> The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
> was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
>
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
> would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
> rocks all day!" commented George.
>
> The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill
> Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over
> his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent
> over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
>
> Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
> said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
>
> The Devil smiled and said, !! (you'll love this )





















"Monica, you're free to go!"

[bennythedip2]

Well here we go, one of the best races of the year 'The King George V1 and Queen Elizabeth Stakes
So lets ask a few who can win..
"Shane you understand Irish, Translate what Richard Hughs say's for me , "Richard what do you think about your mount Youmzain" ?
"He is flying at the moment and it was a real treat to ride him in France,"
"They went a good gallop that day and it proves that when there is pace, he never runs a bad race."

Hughes will continue to emply waiting tactics on Mick Channon's five year old as they seem to be the key to his success.

"We tried to ride him third or fourth with no excuses in Germany last year and he failed to finish properly and could not beat the first four," Hughes explained.

"We have to be out the back with him and if there is no pace then we have to try and find another way of winning on board him".
"But if there is a decent clip there are no problems at all and he really starts to finish once he begins to pass horses. I enjoy riding him and get a real kick out of it!"
Did we understand that Shane ? "Hic yus i did"
Lets find someone else, "Valerie who do you know" ?
Hmmm Aidan speaks Irish or double dutch, i'd like to talk to him
"Oh Aidan can i have a chat about you horse Duke of Marmalade"
"I'm happy with him and everything has been good since Ascot, at two he injured his shin at Goodwood and he had to get a couple of screws and a plate inserted. We found that they were bothering him, but we got it sorted over the winter and he has been a different horse this year.
"We were happy with him going into the Ganay, his work was very good and we knew what he was able to do last year carrying an injury.
"It was the same story in the Tattersalls Gold Cup, he came forward again and won nicely.
"All any horse can do is win those Group Ones, some horses shy away from them. He didn't do a lot when he hit the front at Ascot, but we were delighted with him.
"There's loads of races for him after this and we always take one race at a time, but this is his first time over a mile and a half and we don't really know what is going to happen when he goes past a mile and a quarter, it's going to be interesting."
"This horse has won three Group Ones and Soldier Of Fortune had already had two runs - we decided to give him a mid-summer break with an autumn campaign in mind so the decision was easy enough.
"He's very good this horse, his physique, pedigree, mentally, attitude, everything about him. He just wins his races and is very professional."
"Valerie, did he take a breath there"? Geeez ..sigh !!
"What do ya think guys" ? "Lets take a break, drink time"
"What about Lucano" ?......Amy said,
Shane looked up, "I'll talk wid that Gosden tomorrow, lets get down the pub Benny !!!

[bennythedip2]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher Insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.... No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'






( I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
















'Winnie the SHIT'. ......

[bennythedip2]

Shane how about this..."The nerve of women"
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this afternoon called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.' She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'. 'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle and developing jowls like a Great Dane!' She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f~~k off.!!!










"Yeah mate f~~king Liberty" !!

[bennythedip2]

TARZAN & JANE

When Jane initially met Tarzan in
the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his
life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, ..... Tarzan use
knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it
all wrong, but I will show You how to do it properly.'

She took off
her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to
her private area, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin
cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and
kicked her in the crotch !!!!!

Jane rolled around in agony for what
seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and
screamed, ' What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied,






'Checking for squirrel's '!!!!!

[bennythedip2]

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are













"probably still busy checking their thumbs."

[bennythedip2]

Shane and Valerie were having a row, Amy said to Shane,"Don't you understand what i'm sayin, are you stoned or something" ??
Shane looked at Amy and said, "You think English is easy"???
"What a bout this then" !!


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce .


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

AND .. Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' :

Amy had a last drag of her ciggie and went to bed !!!!