Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Sound familiar? AAADD

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water a few shrubs.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,


Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back


On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the garbage anyway,


I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

So I go inside the house to my desk where


I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,


But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,


But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,


But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,


Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,




I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,


And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,


And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.




Forward this message to everyone you know,

Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!







P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry

[bennythedip2]

Billy Connolly on Facebook

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fuc'king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.


And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

fu'ck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.... I don't fuc'king care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know... Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

[bennythedip2]

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs.
Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.


Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!" ..

[Part-Timer]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned"

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[bennythedip2]

hahaha Nice one PT ..It took me a couple of seconds for the penny to drop , but love it

[bennythedip2]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"
where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,

"Those aren't bags, those are your tits."


She said,

"No point asking about the beard then..........."

[bennythedip2]

If you enjoyed Bob Hope, you will love this one.

So here's a history lesson for today.

Alan Alda first saw Bob Hope in WWII. Until the day he died his Dad never ever missed a Bob Hope special.
Alan remembered him laughing and crying at every show but he never understood why. Now he knows.

We have a little travel back in time.

Warning.... This might make your eyes wet!
Those were the days…..jokes were funny, not disgusting.......and the girls were dressed to make them look pretty, not vulgar.

This is some priceless footage..... It makes me thankful that I am old enough to have lived in the time of Bob Hope.

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/02/bob-hope-christmas/ ..

[bennythedip2]

Ahhhh , Ze French

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.


At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.

What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.


A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word is, "appiness!'" ...

[Tony2005]

[bennythedip2]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment, then says,





'Where's my toast?' . .