Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Just reminiscing about the time on the road, when Shane says "do you remember when we sat in that Dinner", "and the crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, after a summer ride in the country, walked in and sees that sign hanging over the bar which read":

CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

"Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walked up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers".

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives
the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

"The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'

Amy still laughing said, "What about that woman called Maxine"?
"When that guy went up to her with her feet up on the chair sitting by herself...
The Man said: "May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
She said, "No, they spread". !!!

[bennythedip2]

Dear Mrs. DIP

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty

Card, the Manager of our store in High Wysombe is considering banning you and

your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our

surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys

when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products
aisle.

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in

housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


6. September 15:

Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd

invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23:

When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry

and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4:

Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his
nose,

and ate it.

9. November 10:

While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle

asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme.

11. December 6:

In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different
size funnels.

12. December 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK
ME!'

13. December 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal

position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very


loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[bennythedip2]

Dear Jonathan Ross,

















I've just shagged your daughter.

Who's laughing now?











Lots of love,

Gary Glitter x

[bennythedip2]

"Hey Benny i hear you had a trip around Birmingham that took longer than me to fly back from New York".. Amy thought that very funny as she stubbed her fag out on my kitchen floor !!!!!! "Never mind mate", she said, "have a look at this, It'll make ya feel better"

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

[Tony2005]

to do in this section.......

Some superb reads and had me in fits of laughter....

Especially the last thread and song......

A future number 1............

[bennythedip2]

"Hey Benny, just got back from New York, must tell ya this" !!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for Valerie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Valerie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

'Oh Valerie loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"Yes mate i replied", Shane listen
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid. I'll call ya when your busy...byeeeeeeeeeee

[bennythedip2]

Well after this weekends Cheltenham meeting, i've been impressed with some of these horses so i have done a risky anti post bet

Imperial Commander (Win) Hennessy Gold Cup- A.Post 7/1 £2.00
Tatenen (Antepost) Arkle Chase 2009 7/2 £2.00
Diamond Harry (Ante Post) Ballymore Properties Novi Hdl - A.Post 8/1 £2.00
Punchestowns (Antepost) World Hurdle 2009- A.Post 14/1 £2.00
Denman (Win And Each Way) Cheltenham Gold Cup 2009 -A.Post 6/4 £2.00
+ .50p e/w Lucky 31
+ 1 pound e/w Acca

[bennythedip2]

The day after i placed the anti-post bet (above).

This appeared in TimeformOpen.

Meeting winners Diamond Harry, Tatenen and Punchestowns have met with Timeform's approval.

The Halifax-based firm have awarded the rare 'large P', which indicates a horse that is capable of significant improvement, to Grade Two winner Diamond Harry.

They now rate Nick Williams' charge at 144P following his win in the Jets / Richard Davis Awards Hyde Novices' Hurdle and expect him to take high rank among the season's novice hurdlers.

Punchestowns (154p) was hugely impressive on his return to action in the Cotswold Style Intermediate Handicap Hurdle, traveling notably strongly and eventually winning with any amount in hand from a horse, in Ballydub, who himself appeared well-treated beforehand.

Timeform suggest that he's very much one to follow and that he could prove a serious World Hurdle candidate come March - good news for those who have backed him as high as 149-1 on Betfair.

Inglis Drever, the reigning World Hurdle champion, is rated 169 by Timeform and is set to reappear at Newbury at the end of the month.

Tatenen (152p) impressed with his jumping in the Independent Newspaper November Novices' Chase and he recorded a time that compares well with that for the following handicap.

Timeform believe he's likely to continue to take plenty of beating and he clearly boosts his stable's already very strong team for the Arkle.

Kieran Packman, Timeform's Communications Manager, commented: "The Open Meeting provided three days of competitive and exciting racing and we were particularly taken with the performances of three winners on Sunday.

"It's very early to be talking about Cheltenham Festival prospects, but it will be no surprise if all three are live contenders when March comes around if they can build on the abundant promise they showed on Sunday."

...Benny

[bennythedip2]

"Hi benny, hows things", "Oh fine Amy nice to hear from you again, hows your mate Valerie and Shane" ? "Ha ha Yes there ok, funny thing do you remember the day we all went to Ascot in the helicopter, and knocked over that guy" ? "Oh" I said, "Yes he was Laddy Fellow" !!!
Suddenly AMY was in fits of laughter on the other end of the phone........................."Stop it benny, you'll make me wet my knickers, I've got to tell you this" !!
That bloke 'Laddy Fellow' from the bookies, has just moved into a new house next door to Shane, he didn't know he was neighbors of Shane though and got talking to this fit blond who was standing in Shane's garden . She told him she was busy painting and 'Laddy Fellow' offered to help while she went down to the shop to get more supplies.

When she was gone, he took the opportunity to raid her knicker drawers (like you fuckin' wouldn't) and found loads of saucy underwear, a huge dildo, anal beads and all sorts of pleasurable gadgets. He couldn't resist a lick, sniff and a quick wank.
He finished up just in time as she walked in with a huge smile on her face and gave him a hug. He asked her what that was for.. and she said, "Thank you I can go home now, Shane's going to be thrilled with what you've done for him!"
Amy still giggling said,"Benny......can you believe it' ????? "He thought it was her house ?? She was the decorator !!!

[bennythedip2]

"Hello Benny here".........."Hi Bwenny it's Amy, hows thing at your end, thought i'd better catch up on the gossip" ?...
"Oh hi Amy" , "Not to bad, you know me poker, dogs and horses and yourself, whats been going on with you and Shane" ? ....
"Shane" she said, "He made me laugh, told me a story about his mate Enrico, you know the chauffeur guy at the races that time" !! "He went for an interview at the council, the interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
'Enrico says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells Enrico, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
Enrico is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not really any point in you coming in for that'....

'Amy see ya later'