Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Originally Posted by Part-Timer

Nothing happens for me

Oh Nooo it's not working now sorry

[bennythedip2]

Here's a classic, from way back when; still has me laughing after all this time ..

Billy Connolly - Football Violence . https://youtu.be/-JjVg0Sbsh4 .

[bennythedip2]

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob, the most junior member was left sitting outside.

Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,

“Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

"You’d swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere!"


"Good,, then you fire her!" ..

-

[bennythedip2]

Worth the read, quite funny

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

-

[bennythedip2]

A father texts his son:


"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

My best love and good wishes.

Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:


"I know."

[bennythedip2]

New Drug ..

A new drug has been developed for Lesbians with depression




It's called >>> 'Trycoxsagain' .. .

[bennythedip2]

The Flagpole

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches"
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed.
"Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the height and she gives us the length!"

Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.

[bennythedip2]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student

in Catholic School. Usually she slept

through the class.



One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her

while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who

created the universe?'



When Susie didn't stir, little Jack who was

her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.



'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.



The Nun said, 'Very good' and

continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie,

'Who is our Lord and Savior?'



But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, little Jack came to her

rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said,

'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.



The Nun asked her a third question...'

What did Eve say to Adam after

she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Jack came to the rescue.



This time Susie jumped up and shouted,


'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,

I'll break it in half!'


The Nun fainted

[bennythedip2]

Good one for even the non-golfers.

A Golf Story:

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
You know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day.

[bennythedip2]

Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."