Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

hmmm yum yums

[bennythedip2]

"Benny did i tell ya the time when I ended up with a woman at a local bar ". 'She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.' We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.' !!!

We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, .....



















'Mom! You still awake?' !!!!!!!!!!..

[bennythedip2]

"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable."

[bennythedip2]

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?




It means you're in the wrong house."

[bennythedip2]

From the courts ao the USA


"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

* * *

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

* * *

"Did he kill you?"

* * *

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

* * *

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

* * *

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

* * *

"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

* * *

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God Bless America

[bennythedip2]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."















elo .........

[bennythedip2]

My mate Shane phoned and told me these !!!


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can't work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.




Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'




Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks Shane ....laters mate

[bennythedip2]

Trafalgar 2009

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.
What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it!Äfull
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch
of water."
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also
said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "And what about Sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case Kiss me Hardy."




Benny

[bennythedip2]

Grand National 2009- Notre Pere @ 20/1
Triumph Hurdle 2009- Zaynar @ 7/2
Chelt Gold Cup 2009 - Denman @ 5/1
Ballymore Properties Novice Hdl 2009- Diamond Harry @ 3/1
Champion Hurdle 2009- Binocular @ 5/4
Arkle Chase 2009 Tatenen @ 5/1


e/w heinz + e/w acca

[Tony2005]

A decent anti post bet....Zaynar is one of my fancies for the festival...